My Response Series | Separately Together

Posted byThe Family TreatPosted inMy Response SeriesTags:, , , , , , , ,

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is the concept of remarrying after divorce from a destructive toxic relationship. And the more specific is the format for which you’d live separately from the person you are with. It sounds outlandish to some, but for those who were abused and had no idea what was happening to them, having this safety net is paramount as relationships are not black and white and although your future partner may not be abusive in nature, they will likely have their own trauma to work through that can be triggering and ultimately lead to a separation depending on the desire of your future partner to heal their own trauma and grow. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!

Separately Together

The original poster is curious on understanding why her divorced friend plans to keep her own home if she decides to remarry, as she wants to have a safe place to retreat to if things don’t go well. The original poster is wanting to understand why her friend would do this. So, I responded with my perspective. I have found this to be a common perspective too called separately together.

My Response

Just so hidden how they were able to manage to get in and deceive me so well.

Hannah Esther

Yep. I already made up my mind that any future relationships will all be in separate homes, no co-habituating!
I cannot imagine being in the position to ever lose everything again. Just so hidden how they were able to manage to get in and deceive me so well.

because nothing was ever too drastic or even abusive for that matter to be alarmed.

Hannah Esther

You seem to be seeking a way to understand, to be a good friend? I will say this, I don’t even understand and I experienced it.
Best way to describe it would to imagine someone convinces you they are doing everything with your best intentions in mind and all the while your own desire to see the benefit of the doubt solidify your being in for the biggest and longest con of a life time. Being devalued on such a large scale and then discarded only to be hoovered in and idealized all over again… thinking it was just a one off or a bad day. Slowly over time our own internal gut instincts begin to get quieter as we’ve disregarded it little by little, because nothing was ever too drastic or even abusive for that matter to be alarmed.

It was all by design, all a big fat lie.

Hannah Esther

Until, it all comes unraveled and the grand finale happens years and even decades later, their mask comes all the way off and you see them and they see you seeing them. Usually some big moment like a marriage or a child birth or a major illness, where they’d have to actually care and be genuinely selfless, you can only fake that stuff for so long… and once that climactic moment occurs, you begin to feel like you’re going insane. Because what you see now begins to make everything from the past that was just a “one off” or “bad day” make more sense. It was all by design, all a big fat lie. A means to an end. To be so egregiously betrayed of a whole life experience, to be betrayed of the future they were claiming to create with you. To fathom it all is indescribable and the harrowing and gutting reality comes crashing down that…….. this… could…. happen… to… ANYONE!!!!

I’m not stupid or dumb

Hannah Esther

I’m not stupid or dumb, I’m a smart woman, had my life together, had my own home, car, career, life and group of friends.

because for me it was an investment

Hannah Esther

By the end I had nothing and he took it all away meticulously where I was in agreement to become a stay at home mom, leave my job, isolated me from friends because he didn’t like to do things and I wanted to honor my spouse, so I was more than willing to sacrifice in the name of our family and future, because for me it was an investment. An investment that is considered to be a life long investment. And when it was all said and done, it took going to a marriage retreat and seeing flourishing healthy couples for him to see me see him. It was such a wild experience. After 8 years, I began to see him more clearly and it was the most devastating time of my life. To see the truth.

making sure I honored him in all my choices

Hannah Esther

To come face to face with someone who I planned my life with and around. Who I devoted my energy to and supported in everything. Who I defended without question and justified with all of my heart. Forgave him and sought to reconcile differences as that is what was important to me in making sure i honored him in all my choices.

I disassociated and it saved my life

Hannah Esther

To find out it was all a fraud, a fake, a catastrophic con of all cons. He faked me out for almost a decade and I disassociated and it saved my life. I had to separate myself mentally from my emotions and experiences, to survive.

It will be separate homes and personally I could never see myself getting remarried

Hannah Esther

I can not imagine allowing a man that type of interference in my life again. I can not imagine allowing a man to be involved in mine and my daughters permanent life decisions.
I am also still processing my situation as we have only been separated a year. However, I can say when I do begin to date. It will be separate homes and personally I could never see myself getting remarried. So your friend is considering her desire for sexual relations inside of marriage and I commend her for that. I haven’t even thought that far ahead.

For me though, I cannot imagine a man living with me again.
Hope this helps you have some clarity over why your friend is adamant to have her safe place. ♥️

Being critical of their choices when moving forward, will only traumatize someone further and would place someone in the unsafe category for future interactions

Hannah Esther

Safe support systems are important, your friend just needs someone who will believe her and support her in how she chooses to heal. Being critical of their choices when moving forward, will only traumatize someone further and would place someone in the unsafe category for future interactions. ♥️ much love to you!!

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Response B: States friend need to know this and how it’s so difficult to trust someone for future relationships.

My response: I’m open to trusting someone. I’m just not willing to compromise certain things anymore. My idea of relationships has changed. I will not allow a temporary person to permanently influence my daughters lives or mine again in the way someone living with you would do. I can trust and say no to things. It’s important to distinguish that the absence of yes isn’t me having trust issues. It’s me having preference and choice in the matter. I don’t think my friends “need” to understand anything. A good friend is someone who will want to encourage your best interest without compromising their own moral ground. You must first start with quality friendships. ♥️🫂 Much love to you!

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful on why someone would prefer to be with someone separately. As the type of hidden abuse we’ve experienced is so easily laced in “good behaviors” to deceive you into believing it’s good. Much love to you on your journey!!

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Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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