Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Who is responsible for how I feel?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!
Who is responsible for how I feel?
The original poster is curious on how to handle Father’s Day as she is separated from her husband and when Mothers Day was around and she told him to not do anything, he got her things with the emphasis on “you’re my wife I have to”. She wants to know what to do as her husband will “make her feel bad” if she doesn’t do something for him.
My Response
For starters, let me just say how proud of you I am, that you have reached out and shared about your current experiences with your stbxh and his blatant lack of boundaries and weaponizing of obligation toward you parading as though it were a gift.
Nope! Nope! Nope!!!
They don’t get to “make” you feel anything!
Sweet friend you get to choose what you do, say and feel. He can be upset and play the “but I did this for you” game all he wants. You, however, do not have to play with him. You do not HAVE to do anything. As a matter a fact, you get to choose exactly what you want to do!
You can be a boring rock if you want or a gift giving feign if you so choose. He doesn’t get to dictate what you should or shouldn’t, can or can’t do.
Now sure, you can choose to do something for him, but it’s your choice. He can try to manipulate you, intimidate you, guilt you and influence you, but he cannot choose for you.
You have my permission to take your power back! You have the audacity and right to live your life in accordance with the kind of person you want to be and the kind of life you want to build.
You are bold and brave and a courageous woman! You can say NO, you can refuse to accept anything from him, you can enforce your boundaries and you can begin today!
You can change your mind, you can say that you have decided to no longer participate, you can choose to not say anything at all. You do not and I mean it, you do NOT have to give anyone an explanation for your choices or decisions! THIS IS YOUR LIFE!
Now that being said, you have the freedom to do as you’d like regardless of how he attempts to influence you into feeling bad.
Be empowered to know that those games cannot work on you as you have your power back and he can no longer wield his manipulation to get you to preform how he wants. You are in control of your own life and he never did and never will have a say in how you choose to move forward!
You are fearfully and wonderfully made! Your intrinsic worth is not based on the value others assess you with, your worth is far more valuable beyond our own grasp even! You must believe this in your core!
Once you begin to believe in your true worth, your view on this and your whole being will shift and you will see through a new lens! Your life will alter and you will begin seeing people for their true nature. You will begin to see yourself in ways you didn’t believe possible before! You will feel as though you’re seeing for the first time.
Lean into this and know that he cannot make you feel anything. You are in control here! You get to choose how you want this new life to be. You get to make the rules and you get to create your life! You get to choose who has access to you and who doesn’t!
Never give your power to anyone! Your feelings are valid, and no one has any right to them, they are yours and no one has a right to bulldoze them or have you believing they can control them either!
Natalie Hoffmans podcast flying free episode 160 has helped me through gaining clarity on this topic. I recommend listening to it. I usually listen to it every two months or so. Back in march 2022, I was having a difficult time accepting responsibility for my own feelings and navigating the complex emotions attached to other peoples behaviors that I could not control. It’s entirely natural for you to believe you don’t have a voice if no one ever told you or you’ve been told you don’t have one to begin with. So I’m telling you now, you have a voice! Use your voice, it’s yours!
Much love to you on your journey! ♥️
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! Taking responsibility for how we feel is an alignment adjustment in your life that will provide you with the freedom and peace to know that no one can control you! You have the inherent opportunity to create the life you want! You get to control everything that happens inside of your mind and the actions you choose to do and what you make things mean. These are all the things you can control! Which means you have a lot of power!! You have the power to create. I hope this encourages you to take responsibility for your feelings, don’t diminish or disregard them or place the responsibility of these feelings on others. Address them, empower them, talk about them, understand the root of them, process them and question the source of them — our feelings come from what something means to us, and the meaning comes from our beliefs. All of this takes intention and work to unravel. The inner work on our beliefs and meanings we place on things and people, and behaviors. It’s all coming from somewhere and the more we dive into it, the more freedom we have to learn about ourselves and grow. You are not someone’s puppet. They can’t “make” you feel or do anything without your permission first, and even then it’s still not them “making” you do or feel anything, you’re simply choosing to blame them instead of taking responsibility for your actions and feelings! Much love to you on your journey of taking responsibility for your life!!
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Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
The Family Treat 