Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Resenting Women”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!
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Original Post
Paraphrasing to keep anonymity
OP is dating guys and taps on guys profile to find this photo. In OP opinion, this tells a lot about the guys view, humor, character and she is wanting to know if she’s being too sensitive.
My Response
It’s is a very subtle manipulation on someone’s view of women on a deep level.
You know those deep seeded beliefs we talk about sometimes, that we tend to have a hard time articulating, even though we know they exist, but like where do they come from right and what even are they, it’s not like we’re really thinking about them since they are so deep and distant from our conscious mind….
Well, this type of humor is how we get the belief, since it’s laced in humor it can go even deeper due to it being attached to “safe” emotions…
Then there’s the message, “women doomed all humanity”…
I mean that alone is such a dangerous belief, even in jest. It quite literally implies all women are not to be trusted and have on ability to think for themselves much less anyone else and that incites an underlying feeling of women must be the problem or the reason there is a problem. I know I used to default in my thinking “well what did she do to cause it” or “I wonder what she did that made them do that”…. Toxic and dangerous beliefs that so many people carry around without a thought about its danger or implication.
The reality is, if it wasn’t for the fact that most people on a grand scale are so unaware of themselves and how they impact their surroundings, this comes off as innocent. Problem being, it’s not. It’s malicious and paints women in a light that actually makes you as a woman, the punch line, the joke, the mistake, the problem, the person who is responsible for any problems if one arises.
This view becomes so deep and in the recessed of one’s mind, it’s not even a thought anymore, it’s simply a program that runs when triggered or when is woken up by the sleeper programming that initiates it.
examples:
A woman wearing clothes that some would consider immodest and somehow that is blamed for a man wandering or “stumbling” instead of the man being held accountable for his behavior.
A woman who is claiming a man raped her, and instead of believing her, we assume something contrary like how she provoked him or even asked for it because of how she talked to him, she was kind to him and led him on…..
The belief is nestled in resentment and usually the people who have this belief about women, were groomed by another who hates and resents women and find this type of humor stimulating to their baseline of core beliefs, even if it’s not active thoughts, it’s a deep seeded belief that only surfaces when it’s triggered and manifest in humor and in charisma… but is dangerous and shouldn’t be entertained.
If you do find this humorous, especially as a woman, I recommend you taking a moment privately and asking yourself if you actually find it funny or if there is belief inside of you that is self deprecating as a woman. Also, if you’ve never sat alone and thought about Eve, and her life and how it must have felt. To never have been told by God not to touch, but was then deceived by a man with smooth words and even used Gods word to convince her that what she was doing was good for food… it’s incredible how relatable the story is, as I too was fooled by a man who claimed to love me and I was deceived for years, painfully humiliating and gutting, I ate that bitter fruit and it was harrowing. I will say, I am thankfully able to have all of you as support and it has been healing, but Eve, she had no one. The was alone and baring children. Her sweet Able, killed by her own son. How hard that must have been to experience.
All the while she was with a man, Adam, who directly to God blamed her for his choice to eat the fruit. How gutting. How terribly devastating, she couldn’t go date and leave that toxic man.
It’s not funny to laugh at women hating content, no matter how charismatic it may sound, it teaches the wrong message and that message travels deep when taught in humor.
Eve deserved better and she was favored by God. She should not be mocked for anyone’s kicks and giggles. It says a lot of one’s character and their level of emotional intelligence if they find this to be good humor.
Much love. 🫶🏼
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
Commenter
1) You’re not a girl and neither was Eve. She was “Woman.”
So are you.
2) I don’t have trouble choosing a place to eat. That is a a cliché.
3) Adam was a player in that while bringing a curse on humanity. Equal distribution of blame.
Commenter on OP
My Response
nothing was equal about it actually. Eve was deceived. Adam sinned. Humanity wasn’t cursed, the ground was.
Eve was never told directly from God about the fruit, she hadn’t been made yet. God only told Adam.
In my experience, the only women I know who are “indecisive” when it comes to eating are the ones who have been groomed to second guess themselves by the men in their life or the women who passed down the generational curse of deferment which can be seen as indecisive.
When a woman is raised to believe they can’t trust themselves, because the heart is deceitful, it makes sense they’d be indecisive about everything and defer responsibility for their own choice in a matter as a result.
Eve most definitely was a woman, who never was a child or a teenager. She was most definitely a woman, alone and with only a man who blamed her for his choice to eat the fruit.
I have so much respect for Eve and cannot wait to meet her one day to give her a hug! 🫶🏼♥️
Hannah Esther
Different Commenter OP
Sometimes the last thing this world needs is another stiff Christian. Maybe it was just meant to be light hearted and not condemning. God, too, has a sense of humor. Perhaps ask him to clarify and give home a chance.
Commenter OP
My Response
all that will do is give him a heads up he needs to hide his misogyny better. I took your advice 9 years ago and it was a terrible choice to “believe the best in a man who shows you exactly who they are in the beginning”…
I highly recommend checking out Burned Haystack Dating Method™
The CDA is perfect and would explain better why we don’t give benefit of the doubt to obvious toxic and dangerous rhetoric.
Text: stiff Christian
Context: someone is expressing how they saw a photo with joke about women not being able to pick where to eat because the first woman doomed humanity when she chose. Someone commented “the last thing the world needs is another stiff Christian. Maybe it was meant to be light hearted and not condemning. God, too, has a sense of humor. Perhaps ask him to clarify and give him a chance.”
Sub text:
We are going to make a dangerously misleading claim about women, in a funny way, to make people sound crazy for questioning it or stating it’s not funny. “Don’t be a kill joy you stiff Christian you”. This will ensure that even well meaning people condemn you for not liking the content.
We are going to label you a stiff Christian real quick, just so you know now that if you hold to boundaries and not finding dangerous content funny, you’re branded. You’re welcome. “I’m not a stiff Christian, I love to laugh at women and self deprecate about all the things I’m not good at in the name of humility, you prideful stiff Christian you.”
We now want to make sure we give him the opportunity to explain himself, because men are good at that. “It’s important to second, third and forth guess yourself, because good grief we don’t want to be like Eve who doomed humanity with her choices…. Naughty woman for thinking for herself.”
Don’t forget we have to mention Gods sense of humor here, because who knows God more than a selfless & self deprecating in the name of humility and humor gal than I, “we ought to give this innocent man a chance to redeem himself, the misogynist things he’s saying are more than likely innocent and he doesn’t even know what he’s doing, don’t be so judgey and give this poor guy a chance to convince you he’s a nice guy, you likely won’t find anyone better than this anyways, why make it so difficult.”
And the grand finale, lshut up and know your place. He’s a man, he knows best, why in the world would you question Gods humor, and be a stiff Christian, and not give this wonderful man a chance to manipulate you, I mean show you he can hide it better next time, I mean, just stop thinking for yourself. You obviously don’t have a sense of humor and I’m sure God isn’t impressed.”
—— just remember. God loves you and doesn’t mock women or laugh at their expense. This is not the humor God would ever entertain. Period. Full stop.
I call this gaslighting at its finest. Thank you for the opportunity to analyze it.
🫶🏼♥️
Hannah Esther
Language for Behavior
Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!
- Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
- Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
- Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
- Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
- Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
- Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
- Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
- Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
- Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.
Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.
- Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
- Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
- Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
- Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
- Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
- Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
- Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
- Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.
Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.
- Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
- Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
- Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
- False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
- Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
- Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
- Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
- Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
- Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
- Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.
Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.
- Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
- Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
- Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
- Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
- Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
- Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
- Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
- Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
- Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.
This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.
- Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
- Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
- Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
- Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
- Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
- Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
- Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
- Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
- Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
- Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.
I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic.
I was raised in such a way, where women were only as valuable as they worked for it, or their worth was determined by the man she was with, or she was only worthy if others believed she to be of value. If she does something regarded as shameful, she’s no longer of value and is discarded. It’s pretty harsh when addressing it in this manner, but I know many people, men & women, have a view of women that is contingent and easily persuaded to view women in a light that places her at the forefront of responsibility for not only her actions, behaviors, feelings and life, but too the behavior, actions, feelings and life of the men around her. Too often we find ourselves in dalliances with the idea that she’s the reason he did this, or she’s really valuable because she cleans the house and cooks… nothing wrong with cooking and cleaning, but to claim this is what makes her valuable is degrading. She is not a slave or a house maid. She’s more than that and should be viewed as more than that! Resenting women is not new and many people don’t even realize they are resenting women in jest, because it’s so pervasive in our society, so embedded in how we view and see the world at large, it’s easy to blame the girl for being raped because “she asked for it with her immodest apparel” completely disregarding the man or boy who violated a woman along the way. It’s easy to blame a woman for a man’s rage because “she probably isn’t submitting to him or respecting him, what does she expect.” Dismissing the reality that this man is making a choice to rage that is out of her scope of control. It’s easy to blame a woman for the man cheating or watching porn because “she’s likely using sex as a bargaining chip and depriving him of his needs. While dismissing his covenant breaking behavior and blatant betrayal and adultery. We dismiss the pain inflicted on women in the most harrowing ways and then blame women for it. We label women who have high standards as picky and women who are eager as a pick me. We label women who are single as sad and lonely and women who are married as someone with value. Idolizing marriage and martyrdom, idolizing the infantilizing of woman and projecting all shame and bad behavior onto the woman whom we infantilize. We label a woman who embraces her voice as a usurper of men’s authority, but a woman who defers her voice and walks on eggshells is praised publicly while being groomed to believe being abused is normal. This is not how God intended woman to be treated. Sin in this world isn’t an excuse to allow these toxic beliefs of women to continue! You’re either safe or you are not safe. Sin in the world or not, women are worth more than being silenced and labeled. They should be protected, heard, seen, cherished, honored and loved. God loves you, sees you, hears you, honors you. God will never leave you nor forsake you! There are men and women out there who honor women and respect women. Dont settle for less.
Live in the confidence that God is your true identity! You are enough! ♥️
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Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
The Family Treat 