Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Deconstruction”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!
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Original Post
Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.
She elaborates on how she has been praying for her husband and then realizes that the way he views issues such as sex, intimacy and m*sterb*tion are incorrect and unhealthy. She feels she too male harbor false beliefs regarding these really important topics. She is concerned she is doing the same thing he is doing and wants to ensure she’s is living in alignment with the truth. She wants to make sure she herself is not holding onto lies just because they reinforce how she is feeling. She desires to live in truth and unlearn false beliefs that are influencing her thoughts and feelings.
My Response
You have shown great wisdom in this post. When I began my “unlearning” is what I called it… I began to realize that although I had false beliefs and areas that had just been impressed upon me by my family of origin or those I esteemed to be wise and authorities in my life, and even though some of it didn’t make sense, I still held onto beliefs that were not really true.
It’s called having two or more opposing beliefs at the same time, and leaning toward the one that gives the most. Ie — we experience hurt by our husband – one thought and belief is he’d never hurt me, the other is he has harmed me because I deserve it because I sinned in the past and God is punishing me, another is my husband is showing me how he cares for me with his actions…… the one that I gave into myself was the middle one, because it felt in my eyes more acceptable and less painful even for God to be punishing me instead of my husbands behavior to be a indicator to his level of care for me..
I had to humble myself before God and really question my beliefs, asking Him to search my heart and begin meditating on the truth.
God cal neighbor, however, that does not mean we should not have boundaries. God also told us not to eat with treacherous men. Loving someone and holding them to firm boundaries can happen simultaneously. That is what I’ve learned too, the power of AND. The ability for two things to exist at once that do not oppose the other and having emotional and spiritual congruency within myself.
It takes a lot of alone time with God, crying out to God and really falling to pieces at His feet.
Unlearning false beliefs about who you are and your identity, who God is and who he is to you. Learning about Gods character and how He alone is the God of your life. Slowly and gently stepping into the idea of what it would be like to view others the way God views them. That part takes time and patience. Praying for wisdom and discernment, because having wisdom is great, however not knowing how to implement the wisdom can pose difficulties. I recommend taking a step back from your situation and asking God to search your heart, don’t judge yourself, seek answers with curiosity and gentleness and love for yourself Gods creation.
I find it to be the most precious relationship with God, once I began living in alignment with who I am in Christ and with the amount of understanding God has allowed me of who He is, it’s been a really powerful experience to unlearn the limiting beliefs of God and who I am in Christ…. And be filled with the peace and joy, even in the midst of circumstances in my marriage that I have no control over.
God took my brokenness and made me whole in Him. Brokenness being double minded (insecurity, egoism, fear of punishment) — the Bible tells us love casts out fear, the Bible also tells us God is love, the Bible also tells us love is patient, love is kind, love is gentle. The Bible tells us that God created all things. And that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Knowing these truths, understanding these truths to be evident and permeate your mind and root deep seeded belief barrier, it will change your life completely. Living in truth is hard and when you can let go of double minded behavior of your insecurities and ego and fear of “punishment”, you will be free to live like Christ, living in Christ, and be filled with the peace that passeth all understanding.
God loves you and your husband, however that love does not dismiss the earthly consequences of sin and it also requires repentance to enter the gates of heaven.
Gods love is unconditional. Being forgiven is unconditional. However a lot of people get that confused with someone’s willingness to repent and accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. To be like Christ is to have love unconditionally, but only allowing access to those who are repentant and not living in active indulgence of sin. God made a way to protect women when the man chooses treacherous behavior instead of protecting and loving the wife of his youth.
God loves you and adores you and wants you to know that you are precious and He will not leave you nor forsake you and He will complete the good work He is doing in you. Your eyes are opening to your own possible false beliefs, and that is really a great thing. Be mindful though, simply because you’ve sinned or have harbored false beliefs, be cautious not to justify your husbands sins and beliefs as a result that you too have had them. It’s possible your husband has not done the deep dive you’re about to do into your deep beliefs and that is something you can’t really force someone into doing. You’re about to heal a lot and God will reveal through your healing, and you will find the time between healing can be a lonely time as not many are walking that same path to living in truth.
Just know, you are not alone. Much love to you as you begin your unlearning journey and rooting yourself in truth!
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
Language for Behavior
Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!
- Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
- Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
- Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
- Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
- Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
- Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
- Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
- Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
- Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.
Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.
- Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
- Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
- Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
- Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
- Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
- Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
- Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
- Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.
Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.
- Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
- Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
- Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
- False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
- Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
- Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
- Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
- Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
- Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
- Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.
Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.
- Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
- Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
- Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
- Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
- Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
- Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
- Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
- Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
- Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.
This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.
- Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
- Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
- Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
- Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
- Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
- Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
- Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
- Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
- Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
- Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.
I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth with free you of the burden of “keeping thing together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️
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Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
The Family Treat 