My Response Series | Can Marriage be an Idol?

Posted byThe Family TreatPosted inMy Response SeriesTags:, , , , ,

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Can Marriage be an Idol?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

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Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

OP read a post from Patrick Weaver OG post here. OP says “I read this today. After years of guilt, believing I had to stay in my marriage out of respect for God. I am now reconsidering. I have told my husband he has never behaved like a husband. I told him it is like we have never been married. And when i thought things were going well, i would find out he’d been lying and it was all a show. But we had the ceremony. We made vows. We consecrated our marriage. We slept in the same bed. We had children together. Is it possible we were never married under God? Is it possible that our marriage was never a true covenant?”

Marriage, a covenant marriage, doesn’t require you to beg, plead and pray for a mate to treat you right. A covenant partner’s behavior is not supposed to cause trauma or emotional warfare.

Listen beloved, covenant marriage is an agreement…an agreement to submit to behavior that reverences your Savior (Ephesians 5:21). It is not an agreement to be destroyed with gladness, submit to madness or idolize marriage. Teaching on marriage, in the church, that bypasses the cornerstone of God’s will and plan for covenant marriage, can never be godly. Every scripture in the Bible regarding covenant marriage, rightly divided, points to the divine purpose of covenant marriages and the heart posture of a covenant mate: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).

There is no imbalance of power in a covenant marriage. There is no coercive control in a covenant marriage. There is no inferior or superior mate in a covenant marriage. There is no mentality or belief that undermines reverence for Christ in a covenant marriage. There is no begging, pleading and hoping for a spouse to not delight in evil, not neglect, not abuse — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually or financially, in a covenant marriage. There is no Christian martyrdom or holy sacrifice of dignity, honor and respect in a covenant marriage. There is no option to betray, there is no option for willful, diabolical and soul crushing behavior to be tolerated in a covenant marriage.

Weddings are man-made, covenant marriages are God made. Wedding vows are man-made, covenant agreement is God made. When the covenant agreement is not behavior based, behavior that reverences your Savior, there is no agreement — not a covenant agreement. The outcome of a covenant agreement glorifies God and symbolizes the love that Christ has for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:25-30).

There is no debating or arguing or doubting what God said covenant behavior is supposed to symbolize. Therefore, defiance, rebellion or depraved indifference in a covenant marriage is unholy. It is a house divided. It is an unevenly yoked relationship that God cannot and did not join together (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). Listen, I didn’t say healthy, holy marriages don’t have problems. I said willfully destructive, depraved and diabolical behavior, or any treatment of a spouse that defies God’s marriage covenant agreement, is not a marriage problem, it’s an evil behavioral problem that covenant marriage was not and is not created to accommodate or tolerate.

Teaching spouses that evil within a covenant marriage is a part of God’s will and plan for covenant marriage is the equivalent of saying evil behavior within covenant relationship with God is the plan for salvation. God’s love does not delight in evil (1 Corinthians 13:6)…therefore, covenant relationship does not have an evil option — not with a spouse (Colossians 3:19), God (Romans 1:28-32), the church (1 Corinthians 5:11), or God’s people (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

Unrepentant, evil, diabolical, covenant violating behavior departs from the biblical marriage covenant. Departure from the biblical marriage covenant — physically or behaviorally, is biblical grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15). And let’s be clear, loving evil better, submitting to evil or tolerating evil is not a marriage covenant commandment, it’s a narcissist’s commandment. Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love Judas enough, Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer (John 12:1-6). A spouse who delights in evil and willfully rebels against the covenant agreement is not a covenant mate, they are the enemy of God’s covenant marriage…and they will reap what they sow — a letter of divorce. And be clear, a divorce based on biblical grounds — physical or behavioral abandonment, or sexual immorality/adultery, comes with the biblical right to remarry.

Carry On!

Patrick Weaver Ministries

My Response

Wow!!! I absolutely love how you worded this and yes I have come to the same conclusion. My husband and I weren’t joined together by God. It was a fabrication that I believed was true.

God does not join together deception. It would be heretical to say God joined together many marriages. My best example to drive it home is same sex marriages. Do we believe God joined those together. No. So in the same breath at the sound of my voice how could we say God joined together a deceiver and a woman or an adulterer and a woman or a railer and a woman, when God specifically told us to not even eat with such.

Thank you for sharing. It’s taken me a long time to unravel and come to this conclusion, but it’s important to witness. God doesn’t bring every marriage together. 🫶🏼

Hannah Esther

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Hannah Esther they were not my words actually. This is from Patrick Weaver. The actual post is much longer and there’s so much more like this on his page. There’s a masterclass on there called “When the Vow Breaks” that I want to do

OP Commented on my Response

thank you for sharing! Love Patrick Weaver!

Hannah Esther

Hannah Esther I just discovered him through recommendation through another woman in this group. My husband has been sending me stuff telling me that divorce is not OK even in the Bible. The speaker said it was misinterpreted because it was only about certain people in that specifuc time and it’s not meant for everyone and you’re not allowed to divorce for any reason. That had me all in turmoil. I can’t imagine living this way the rest of my life. I’m already so broken.

OP Commented on my Response

Girl I understand. Spiritual abuse is what kept me believing I was to stay in order to honor God. However, God is so much bigger than this, and God loves you so much He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for your sins and so that you might live life here abundantly!

God never intends for us to live a life in bondage to a unrepentant reprobate minded person who uses Gods Word to manipulate and deceive. That’s what the snake did in the garden of Eden! God cursed that snake for His deception and also said

40. And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

41. Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:”

Matthew 25:40-41 KJV

It is a unrepentant heart that harms and deceived one of Gods children!

God does not look lightly on those who are a snake and twist Gods Word, they will be cursed and cast into the lake of fire with the original snake, the devil himself! Men who abuse and use their wives as emotional and spiritual punching bags are not heirs of the Kingdom, they are vagabonds and reprobates who you should steer clear of. Protect your relationship with God and do not entertain the deceivers!!

Much love! ♥️🫶🏼

Hannah Esther

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions or the idolization of marriage! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️

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Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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