Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!
Check out my post on Gaslighting
Check out my post to help women in a confusing relationship
Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook
Original Post
Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.
- Husband had first counseling session but is now angry because wife won’t have sex with him.
- Husband screams, calls wife names, and denies saying hurtful things.
- Wife fears for living situation, can’t afford to leave, and works from home.
- Husband can’t hold a job, lacks hygiene, plays video games all day, and neglects chores.
- When confronted, husband becomes defensive and blames wife.
- Wife feels trapped and afraid, seeks advice and support.
My Response
First off, you are not crazy girl. This behavior will age you though and ultimately drive you crazy and then it will validate him when he’s done drove you to the looney bin.
1.) Feel your feelings. Emotions that are avoided or aren’t dealt with just resurface later in usually unhealthy ways and can sometimes look like sabotage to your own life. Don’t avoid yourself and how you feel, let the feelings pass through you and have grace with yourself for the ways you feel.
2.) Document your experiences via journaling, audio recording, video recording… any means necessary for the purposes of creating a timeline and evidence that for one you’re not crazy or psycho.
3.) distance. As much as possible. Emotionally and if possible physically, don’t engage, grey rock as much as you can. Grey rock helps to protect you from being too emotionally invested, as to more emotionally invested you are the more painful it is when you have to make hard decisions about the future.
4.) support. You will want to find local support groups, that are safe and not going to tell you to fix, tolerate, or blame you for your husbands behavior. Your husband is choosing the life he wants to live.
5.) radical acceptance. This is who your husband is choosing to be in this life. You get to choose if you’re going to accept that and live your life in alignment with him or choose who you want to be in this life, with complete transparency on what that will continue to look like.
6.) God loves you. Who God is to you and who you are to Him is so vital to your ability to know that God loves you more than he loves your union. If your husbands behavior is hindering your relationship with God, it is not a union that glorifies God and is a sabotage to your walk with Christ. Important to understand that God wants you to be in communion with Him always, and if someone (even your husband) prevents that, they are to be avoided and you are to remove yourself from their influence and presence.
All of this is hard to experience and the life experience you’re having is going to be one of great difficulty to navigate. You are capable and God is right there with you, holding you and loving you through whatever you choose to do. Much love to you as you navigate!!
Hannah Esther
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
– Christian counselor found through church
OP Commented on someone else’s response
– Intermittent problematic behavior worsening over time (“it’s all MY FAULT” and how that’s what I always say and I don’t appreciate him)
– Joint ownership of house in high-demand area
– Complexities of dividing assets if selling house
– Communication issues and defensiveness when confronted about behavior
– Pressure for sexual intimacy (e.g., “It’s been ten days since we had sex. TEN DAYS!!”)
Be careful with church counselors.
They are not licensed therapists. More like glorified Bible study leaders. If you go to a patriarchal/complementarian church you can bet that they will back him up that he is the victim and you aren’t being a good enough wife, aren’t forgiving enough, aren’t giving him grace, and definitely not giving him enough sex.
They will get to the point that if only you were following God properly and being “a Biblical wife” (according to their twisted, self serving interpretation) then he wouldn’t be doing any of these things
Response from a commenter to OP
Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic Break Down
The dynamics of an entitled husband and a “crazy” wife often involve a power imbalance where the husband feels entitled to certain privileges or treatment without regard for the wife’s feelings or needs. He may exhibit controlling behavior, manipulation, and gaslighting tactics to maintain his perceived superiority. Meanwhile, the wife may feel increasingly isolated, invalidated, and blamed for any issues in the relationship. She may struggle with self-doubt, questioning her own sanity, while attempting to navigate the complexities of the relationship.
“You’re just being too emotional” – Husbands attempt to gaslight the actual feeling of a Wife as being the problem and dismissing her concerns as being “too emotional” and ignoring his behavior or taking accountability for his behavior. This tactic usually rinders the Wife defensive or even remorseful for having had those “evil emotions” that we are taught at church are wrong and sinful, so now she is emotionally flooded with shame and now doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to continue to hold her husband accountable for his behavior.
The entitled husband typically asserts his dominance through manipulation and emotional abuse, often invalidating the wife’s experiences and emotions. He may use gaslighting techniques to make her doubt her own reality, portraying her as irrational or “crazy” when she tries to address concerns or set boundaries. Meanwhile, the wife may find herself constantly walking on eggshells, feeling neglected and blamed for problems in the relationship that are actually rooted in the husband’s behavior. This creates a toxic cycle where the wife’s self-esteem erodes, and the husband’s sense of entitlement and control strengthens.
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him.
Within these dynamics, the entitled husband tends to exert control through subtle yet insidious means, such as manipulation, coercion, and belittlement. He may dismiss the wife’s feelings and needs, prioritizing his own desires while expecting her to comply without question. Any attempts by the wife to assert herself or address issues are met with defensiveness and blame-shifting, further reinforcing the husband’s sense of entitlement.
“You’re just trying to blame me for why you don’t want to be a good wife” — DARVO Defense, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. The true offender plays victim and accuses the true victim of being the offender. Also this accusation is a projection of the true offenders real motive and malicious intent to harm, in an attempt to deter their true victim or/audience of their real desires and beliefs of entitlement.
Consequently, the wife often feels trapped in a cycle of neglect and blame, struggling to reconcile her own perceptions with the distorted reality created by her husband’s behavior. She may internalize the narrative of being “crazy” or overly sensitive, leading to self-doubt and a diminished sense of self-worth. This imbalance of power and emotional manipulation can perpetuate a cycle of toxicity within the relationship, making it challenging for the wife to break free and assert her autonomy.
“I don’t feel connected to you or safe to share how I feel with you” – The Husband gaslighting Wife with accusations that sound reasonable to the onlooker, but to the Wife – It’s designed to further isolate her and make her feel like she’s going crazy.
The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse where one person intentionally ignores or withholds communication from another as a means of punishment or control. It can be incredibly hurtful and damaging to relationships, as it often leaves the recipient feeling isolated, rejected, and powerless.
“It’s all my fault, I’m such a horrible person, you deserve better. Can you help me be better” – Husbands attempt to sound remorseful usually after a blow up or silent treatment, inciting the desire in the wife to defend him against himself and take up the responsibility of fixing him since he sounds humbled and remorseful. Not true remorse and it’s designed to manipulate you into stop holding him accountable.
Being manipulated by the silent treatment can have various side effects, including:
- Emotional distress: It can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, and worthlessness.
- Communication breakdown: It hampers healthy communication and creates a rift in relationships.
- Low self-esteem: Constantly being ignored can make someone doubt their self-worth and value.
- Dependency: The victim may become overly reliant on the manipulator’s approval and validation.
- Resentment: Over time, the recipient may develop resentment towards the manipulator for their behavior.
- Difficulty trusting others: It can erode trust in relationships, making it harder to trust others in the future.
- Learned helplessness: The victim may feel powerless to change the situation, leading to a sense of helplessness.
Overall, being manipulated by silent treatment can have profound negative effects on one’s mental and emotional well-being, as well as their relationships with others.
Examples of an Entitled Husband
The behavior listed below is abusive behavior that some have grown to believe as normal and aren’t even aware if the impact it’s having on them or those around them. Regardless of intent or knowledge to the fact, it is abuse and is harmful for those on the receiving end. Any trauma you incur from these behaviors can take years to heal from, that is if you choose to heal. You’re not responsible for someone else’s behavior, feelings & thoughts. Your feelings are valid and should be treated with care, they are our responsibility to assess and ultimately choose who we want to be and if our chose aligns with our core values and then if our core values are even something we actually believe. Unlearning false beliefs helps in how we view things and make things mean for us, in turn influencing how we feel. You aren’t responsible for your husbands behavior, tantrums, outbursts, pity parties, unfounded accusations & hurtful ploys to insight guilt, shame and remorse in you. The manipulation in these examples are so subtle, because it plays right into what most of us were taught about emotions and how there are “wrong” emotions, when there aren’t any wrong emotions. All emotion is energy in motion and it will go somewhere in a healthy or unhealthy manner. Your choice to express yourself in a given way, and that you are responsible for. How someone treats you can incite an uncharacteristic behavior in you and that is your red flag to leave their presence.
- Husband dismisses wife’s concerns and emotions as “crazy” or irrational.
- Wife feels constantly blamed for issues in the relationship, even when they are caused by the husband’s behavior.
- Husband uses gaslighting tactics to make the wife doubt her own perceptions and memories.
- Wife’s attempts to assert boundaries or address problems are met with defensiveness and hostility from the husband.
- Husband expects the wife to prioritize his needs and desires over her own, without reciprocating.
- Wife’s self-esteem suffers as she internalizes the narrative of being “crazy” or overly sensitive.
- Husband controls or manipulates the wife through subtle means, such as guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation.
- Wife feels isolated and trapped in the relationship, unable to voice her concerns without facing further blame or invalidation.
- Husband’s DARVO behavior reinforces the power imbalance in the relationship, making it difficult for the wife to challenge his authority or hold him accountable for his actions.
- Husband minimizes or ignores the impact of his actions on the wife’s well-being.
- Wife’s attempts to communicate her feelings or needs are met with ridicule or dismissal.
- Husband engages in passive-aggressive behavior to undermine the wife’s confidence and assertiveness.
- Wife feels like she is constantly walking on eggshells to avoid conflict with her husband.
- Husband uses his authority or power within the relationship to control the wife’s actions and decisions.
- Wife’s emotional needs are consistently neglected, leaving her feeling unfulfilled and unappreciated.
- Husband portrays himself as the victim in disagreements, shifting blame onto the wife and avoiding accountability.
- Wife’s attempts to seek help or support are undermined or invalidated by the husband’s manipulation tactics.
- Husband isolates the wife from friends or family members who may offer support or perspective outside of the relationship.
- Husband employs the silent treatment as a form of punishment, withholding communication and emotional support from the wife.
- Wife feels isolated and emotionally abandoned when the husband gives her the silent treatment, exacerbating her feelings of worthlessness & and the desire to get his approval back by any means, even betraying herself.
- Husband engages in DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) tactics when confronted about his behavior, denying responsibility, attacking the wife’s character, and portraying himself as the victim.
- Wife’s attempts to address issues are met with gaslighting and manipulation, leaving her questioning her own sanity and validity of her concerns.
- Husband uses DARVO to shift blame onto the wife, making her feel guilty and responsible for the problems in the relationship.
- Wife’s confidence and self-esteem suffer as she internalizes the blame and struggles to assert herself against the husband’s manipulation tactics.
How this Impacts the Wife
Husband’s manipulation and emotional abuse leave the wife constantly seeking his approval, even at the expense of her own values and beliefs.
Wife’s sense of self-worth becomes tied to her husband’s approval, leaving her vulnerable to further manipulation and control.
Husband’s continued indifference or criticism reinforces the wife’s feelings of inadequacy, trapping her in a toxic cycle of seeking validation from an emotionally unavailable partner.
Wife bends over backwards to please her husband, compromising her core principles in a desperate attempt to gain his validation and affection.
Husband exploits the wife’s need for approval, using it as leverage to exert even more control over her actions and decisions.
Wife’s attempts to please her husband are met with further demands and expectations, creating an impossible standard that she can never meet.
Husband remains perpetually dissatisfied despite the wife’s efforts, leading to a cycle of frustration and self-blame for the wife.
Wife’s desperation for validation from her husband leads her to betray her own core beliefs and values, causing inner turmoil and self-doubt.
Husbands unattainable standards and constant criticism create a sense of hopelessness and the wife, as she struggles to meet his ever-changing expectations.
In this situation, it’s crucial for the Wife to understand
She is not responsible for her husband’s behavior: The wife should recognize that she is not to blame for her husband’s manipulation, emotional abuse, or dissatisfaction. His actions are a reflection of his own issues and insecurities, not a result of her inadequacies.
Seeking outside support can be empowering: The wife should not hesitate to reach out for help from trusted friends, family members, or professionals such as therapists or support groups. Having a supportive network can provide validation, perspective, and resources to help her navigate the challenges she faces.
Her worth is not defined by her husband’s approval: The wife should realize that her value as a person does not depend on her husband’s validation or approval. She is inherently worthy and deserving of respect and love, regardless of her husband’s opinions or actions.
Self-care is not selfish: Taking care of her own needs and prioritizing her mental and emotional health is not selfish; it’s essential for her well-being. Engaging in activities that bring her joy, practicing self-compassion, and setting aside time for self-reflection can help her regain a sense of agency and empowerment.
Setting boundaries is essential for self-preservation: It’s important for the wife to establish clear boundaries to protect her emotional well-being and maintain her sense of self-respect. This may involve limiting contact with her husband, seeking support from friends or family, or even considering separation if the situation becomes untenable.
She deserves to be treated with respect and kindness: Above all, the wife should recognize that she deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and kindness in her relationship. No one deserves to be subjected to manipulation, emotional abuse, or neglect, and she has the right to demand better for herself.
Language for Behavior
Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!
- Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
- Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
- Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
- Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
- Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
- Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
- Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
- Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
- Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.
Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.
- Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
- Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
- Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
- Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
- Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
- Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
- Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
- Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.
Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.
- Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
- Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
- Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
- False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
- Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
- Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
- Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
- Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
- Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
- Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.
Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.
- Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
- Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
- Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
- Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
- Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
- Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
- Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
- Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
- Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.
This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.
- Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
- Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
- Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
- Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
- Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
- Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
- Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
- Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
- Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
- Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.
I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves and accepts ALL of you! ♥️
Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook
Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
The Family Treat 