My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness

Posted byThe Family TreatPosted inMy Response SeriesTags:, , , , , , , , , ,

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Self-Love vs Selfishness”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Check out my post on Gaslighting

Check out my post to help women in a confusing relationship

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Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

ig Lana Blakely

My Response

Thought this was really well said. Self-love and selflessness are not the same thing and should not be lumped together in order to justify selfish behavior.

Loving one’s self is the active care and diligence to honing self-discipline and accepting your identity, whilst selfishness is rooted is the inconsideration for others and believing that your identity is tied to your abilities.. it is linked to a deep resent for one’s self, self-loathing, self-deprecating and self-sabotaging behavior that usually manifests in a grandiose view of self (superiority complex) and inflated ego (egotism) that is ultimately a fragile little shell of an ego and in order to protect from an egoic injury, puts others down via false accusations, the illusion of caring about them, devaluing them, avoiding them and gossiping about them.

All of which is a defense mechanism for the fragile ego to feel superior.

Selfishness isn’t self-love, it’s self-avoidance, self-abandonment and self-betrayal.

True self-love is to hold one’s self accountable. Taking ownership for one’s choices.
Seeing others as people deserving of basic human respect and common decency.
Holding yourself to a standard and without ceasing challenging your self, searching your beliefs to ensure your ego is not in charge of your thoughts feelings and behaviors.
Rather you are in touch with who you are and the kind of person you want to be in this life. You know your identity is not rooted in your circumstance, your achievements, your good attributes or your negative attributes.

You know your identity is rooted in Christ and He loves you and accepts you as you are. Self-love is accepting yourself as you are and as Christ accepts you and not living in an illusion in order to be accepted.

Thought this was a great opportunity to share my thoughts. Happy Friday 🫶🏼

Hannah Esther

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

A Break Down Of Self-Love

Breaking down self-love with this understanding involves several key components:

  1. Acceptance: Self-love begins with accepting yourself as you are, including your strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It’s about embracing your entire being without judgment.
  2. Self-Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during times of struggle or failure, is crucial. Self-compassion involves offering yourself the same warmth and care that you would offer to a friend in need.
  3. Self-Care: Prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is an essential aspect of self-love. This can include activities like exercise, healthy eating, adequate rest, relaxation, and engaging in hobbies or interests that bring you joy.
  4. Self-Respect: Respecting yourself means setting boundaries, advocating for your needs, and not tolerating mistreatment or disrespect from others. It’s about recognizing your inherent worth and deservingness of dignity and respect.
  5. Personal Growth: Self-love involves a commitment to personal growth and development. This may include setting goals, challenging yourself to step out of your comfort zone, and continually striving to become the best version of yourself.
  6. Connection with Others: Recognizing the humanity and worth of others is integral to self-love. Cultivating healthy relationships based on mutual respect, empathy, and compassion enriches your own sense of worth and fulfillment.
  7. Spiritual Connection (if applicable): For those who have a spiritual or religious belief system, self-love may also involve recognizing oneself as a beloved creation of a higher power and aligning one’s actions with spiritual principles of love, compassion, and forgiveness.

By integrating these elements into our understanding of self-love, we can cultivate a deeper sense of fulfillment, authenticity, and resilience in our lives.

How Self-Love Impacts You

Practicing self-love has profound impacts on individuals who embrace it. Firstly, it fosters a deep sense of inner peace and contentment. By accepting oneself unconditionally, including both strengths and weaknesses, individuals cultivate a positive self-image and reduce the internal conflicts often associated with self-criticism. This inner peace provides a stable foundation for navigating life’s challenges with resilience and grace.

Secondly, self-love enhances overall well-being. Engaging in self-care practices, such as exercise, healthy eating, and stress management, not only improves physical health but also boosts emotional and mental wellness. By prioritizing their own needs and nurturing themselves, individuals are better equipped to handle stress, cope with setbacks, and maintain a balanced lifestyle. This holistic approach to well-being creates a ripple effect, positively impacting various areas of life, including relationships, work, and personal fulfillment.

Lastly, self-love empowers individuals to pursue their dreams and goals authentically. When individuals respect themselves and set healthy boundaries, they cultivate a sense of agency and self-determination. This enables them to make choices aligned with their values and aspirations, rather than succumbing to external pressures or societal expectations. As a result, self-love becomes a catalyst for personal growth and fulfillment, as individuals confidently embark on their journey of self-discovery and actualization. Overall, practicing self-love not only enriches individual lives but also contributes to creating a more compassionate and resilient society.

How Self-Love Impacts Others

As you practice self-love, its effects extend beyond your own well-being to positively impact those around you. Firstly, by embracing self-compassion and acceptance, you become a source of inspiration and encouragement for others. Your ability to treat yourself with kindness and understanding sets an example for friends, family, and colleagues, encouraging them to adopt a similar mindset towards themselves. In doing so, you create a ripple effect of compassion and empathy that reverberates throughout your social circles.

Secondly, prioritizing self-care demonstrates to others the importance of investing in one’s physical, emotional, and mental health. By openly valuing your well-being and engaging in activities that nourish your soul, you encourage others to do the same. Whether it’s through sharing self-care tips or simply leading by example, your actions serve as a reminder that self-care is not selfish but essential for overall happiness and fulfillment. As a result, you contribute to fostering healthier, more supportive relationships where individuals feel empowered to prioritize their own needs.

Lastly, as you cultivate a deep sense of self-respect and personal growth, you become a role model for assertiveness and authenticity. By setting boundaries, advocating for your needs, and pursuing personal growth initiatives, you inspire others to do the same. Your commitment to honoring your worth and potential encourages those around you to step into their own power, pursue their passions, and strive for personal excellence. In essence, practicing self-love not only transforms your own life but also creates a positive ripple effect that uplifts and empowers those within your sphere of influence.

A Break Down of Selfishness

  1. Inconsideration for Others: Selfishness often involves a lack of regard for how one’s actions or decisions might impact others.
  2. Identity Tied to Abilities: Selfish individuals may tie their sense of self-worth solely to their abilities or achievements, neglecting the intrinsic value of their character.
  3. Self-Loathing and Self-Deprecation: Despite external appearances, selfish behavior can stem from deep-seated issues of self-loathing and self-deprecation.
  4. Self-Sabotaging Behavior: Selfishness can lead to behaviors that undermine one’s own well-being or the well-being of others.
  5. Superiority Complex: A selfish individual may harbor a grandiose view of themselves, often manifesting as a superiority complex.
  6. Inflated Ego and Egotism: Selfishness is characterized by an inflated ego and egotistical behavior, which can mask underlying insecurities.
  7. Defense Mechanisms: Selfishness often employs defense mechanisms, such as false accusations, devaluation of others, or gossiping, to protect the fragile ego from perceived threats.

How Selfishness Impacts You

Selfishness casts a profound shadow on the individual who embraces it, corroding their relationships, sense of fulfillment, and overall well-being. At its core, selfishness fosters a mindset centered solely on personal gain, often at the expense of others. This myopic focus blinds individuals to the richness of human connection and the joy found in selfless acts of kindness and compassion. As a result, those entrenched in selfish behavior may find themselves isolated, lacking genuine emotional bonds with others, and struggling to find authentic fulfillment in their lives.

Moreover, selfishness breeds discontent within the self, perpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction and longing for more. While selfish individuals may initially derive temporary gratification from pursuing their own desires, this satisfaction is fleeting and ultimately leaves them feeling empty and unfulfilled. Constantly seeking self-serving ends can lead to a sense of emptiness and disillusionment, as the pursuit of material gain or personal acclaim fails to provide the deeper sense of purpose and meaning that accompanies genuine altruism and selflessness.

Furthermore, selfishness corrodes the moral fabric of one’s character, eroding trust, integrity, and empathy. Over time, the selfish individual may find themselves increasingly disconnected from their own values and principles, as their actions become guided solely by self-interest. This erosion of moral integrity not only diminishes their ability to form meaningful connections with others but also undermines their own self-respect and sense of dignity. In the end, the selfish individual may find themselves trapped in a cycle of emptiness and moral bankruptcy, devoid of the authentic fulfillment and genuine human connection that stem from acts of selflessness and compassion.

How Selfishness Impacts Others

When selfishness becomes a prevailing trait in an individual’s behavior, its ripple effects extend far beyond personal consequences, profoundly impacting the lives of those around them. As I embrace selfish tendencies, the first casualties are often the relationships I hold dear. Friends, family, and colleagues may feel neglected, unappreciated, or even used as mere instruments to serve my own interests. This erosion of trust and emotional connection can strain relationships to the breaking point, leaving a trail of hurt and resentment in its wake.

Moreover, my selfish actions can perpetuate a cycle of negativity and discord within my immediate social circles and broader communities. By prioritizing my own needs and desires without consideration for the well-being of others, I contribute to an environment of selfishness and individualism, where cooperation and mutual support are overshadowed by self-serving motives. This dynamic can foster a sense of disillusionment and alienation among those who yearn for genuine connection and collective progress, exacerbating social divisions and diminishing the potential for collaborative growth and harmony.

Furthermore, the impact of my selfishness extends beyond interpersonal relationships to societal structures and institutions. When individuals prioritize personal gain over communal welfare, it undermines the fabric of society, eroding trust in institutions and fostering a culture of cynicism and apathy. As selfish actions perpetuate inequalities and injustices, marginalized communities bear the brunt of the consequences, further widening existing divides and hindering progress towards a more equitable and compassionate society. In this way, the ramifications of my selfish behavior reverberate throughout the social fabric, perpetuating a cycle of harm and hindering the collective pursuit of a better, more inclusive world.

The Consequence

Self-love is about caring for yourself, acknowledging your worth, and prioritizing your well-being, while selfishness is more about prioritizing your own needs and desires without considering others. Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs.

Self-love involves nurturing your own growth, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care without infringing on others’ rights or well-being. It’s about recognizing and accepting your worth while also respecting the worth of others. On the other hand, selfishness is characterized by a lack of consideration for others, often putting one’s own desires above the needs and feelings of others, sometimes at their expense. It’s a self-centered approach that can lead to disregard for the well-being of others.

This balance can lead to greater empathy, mutual respect, and overall well-being for yourself and those you interact with.

The Power Of And

The power of “and” in this context lies in the ability to balance self-love with consideration for others. It’s about recognizing that you can prioritize your own needs and well-being while also being mindful of how your actions impact those around you. It’s not about choosing between self-love and consideration for others, but rather finding a harmonious balance between the two. This acknowledgment allows for a healthier approach to relationships and self-care, fostering mutual respect and understanding.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves and accepts ALL of you! ♥️

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Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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