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Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

“I finally left him”  — Less than a month after separating, a mother and her daughter are already thriving. However, the father, who is not on the birth certificate and was never married to her, video calls morning and night but makes no real plans to spend time with his daughter. Instead, he subtly manipulates her emotions, suggesting that if she were with him, they’d be together, shifting the burden of his absence onto the child. The mother feels torn—she believes ‘if he wanted to, he would’ and knows she shouldn’t be responsible for facilitating his role as a father, but she’s also heartbroken for her daughter and feels a pull to help foster the relationship. She’s looking for encouragement to stand by her choice not to do the work for him to be involved.

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My Response

👏🏼Don’t👏🏼Do👏🏼The👏🏼Work👏🏼For👏🏼Him👏🏼

I understand that fathers have rights and all, but that doesn’t give him the freedom to tread on your right to not have to spoon feed a grown man. If he’s not exercising his rights, then he looses access. As he becomes what is considered a dead beat, who’s abandoned his responsibilities to his child and becomes a stranger. Biological is irrelevant if they are not present and active. 

I feel like so many women are just expected to not only primarily raise the kids, we are also expected to hop skip and jump to “help” these grown men (who isn’t even a good father figure or person in general) be apart of HIS OWN child’s life, whilst he puts no effort in. In your case his calling in the morning and night is too much really, because he’s setting the tone for your child’s day and night, while not actually being an active contributor to the child’s well-being.

I’d honestly set the boundary for after school/before dinner timeframe for a phone calls. Anything outside that window will not be answered. Don’t let him choose the time either, have it in writing the time you choose and he can call at that time with a 30 min window only, like 3:30pm to 4pm is your availability and can call then from now on – Tues & Thurs, or only Thurs, or even never & set the boundary to only in person & with a chaperone. All of which is actually reasonable, since he’s not actually participating in real active parenting or fatherhood, he’s manipulating & guilting your child as if your child is the absent one and not him. That behavior if consistent will derail your child and eventually confuse them so bad, they will choose him out of fear of loosing the relationship… never plan for him and never call him to speak with your child. Personally I’d refuse calls until further notice until he plans an in person chaperoned visit, with no pressure on the child to perform for him. That’s me though. 

He’s not on the birth certificate, and I’m no lawyer, but if he doesn’t petition for paternity he does not have any rights. Not a single one. He really is a stranger that has access to your daughter. And your good heart feels bad for having boundaries, so you need to deal with your own feelings and not place your child in unnecessary harm or compromise your gut instinct because you haven’t worked through your uncomfortable feelings.

Don’t help a snake bite you faster. Don’t help an unreliable person have access to what’s most vulnerable in your life. Don’t give a stranger keys to your home. Don’t just assume because someone is the biological father, that they will exercise the rights of a father, but instead be real and bear witness to what they choose to do instead. Act accordingly to what you’ve observed and don’t “reward” negative behavior with more access.

Much love, you’re doing great mom!! ♥️💐 

Also when you feel bad because “that’s her father” — it has nothing to do with him. That’s all you girl. Your beautiful heart. When you think this way about others, don’t mistake that for “something must be right about them” & instead recognize that “something is right with you”.. you’ll feel less inclined to attach to people that aren’t good for you & your child, and more in inclined to connect with yourself deeply & profoundly. You are the beauty you see in others. Don’t misplace your empathy. ♥️♥️♥️

Also, document EVERYTHING. All your attempts, all your boundaries, all his inconsistencies, keep a ledger of money you spend, journal everything!! It will be such a help when he gets the “girlfriend confidence”, usually happens when they get a girlfriend, they all the sudden want to pick up like they’d never abandoned their child and act like super dad for the new shiny girlfriend… it’s a whole thing. Be so for real with how you handle his absence, and if your gut doesn’t want him around, do not help him be around. He’s a big boy, if he wanted to he would. PERIOD👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

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Summary

In supporting a friend facing the challenges of co-parenting with an uninvolved and inconsistent father, I offered advice that many parents might find helpful when setting boundaries in similar situations. When a parent repeatedly falls short, it’s natural to feel conflicted about how much access they should have to the child. But in truth, maintaining boundaries is not only a right—it’s essential for both the parent’s and the child’s well-being.

The advice I shared struck a balance between practical steps and emotional validation, affirming that she doesn’t have to do his emotional or logistical work for him. As mothers, we’re often expected to raise our children independently while still encouraging their relationships with fathers who may put in minimal effort. I reminded her that if he genuinely wanted to be involved, he’d make real plans and show up in meaningful ways, not just through convenient video calls.

Some key points I offered included setting specific times for calls, documenting all interactions and inconsistencies, and trusting her instincts to protect her child’s emotional stability. I also shared insights about “girlfriend confidence”—a pattern where some fathers attempt to act more present in their child’s life to impress a new partner. Preparing for this possibility can help a parent avoid unnecessary confusion and pain down the road.

Ultimately, my advice was about empowering her to set and hold her boundaries without guilt. As parents, it’s okay to trust that our protective instincts are valid. Just because someone is biologically a parent doesn’t mean they’re fulfilling that role responsibly. By standing firm in her decisions, she’s choosing a stable, peaceful environment for her child and modeling self-respect and emotional strength.

This approach to support is about empowering parents to hold healthy boundaries, resist manipulation, and prioritize their own and their child’s well-being. It’s a reminder that sometimes, protecting our peace is the best gift we can give ourselves and our children.

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Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

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A Break Down Of Self-Love

Breaking down self-love with this understanding involves several key components:

1. Acceptance: Self-love begins with accepting yourself as you are, including your strengths, weaknesses, and flaws. It’s about embracing your entire being without judgment.
2. Self-Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during times of struggle or failure, is crucial. Self-compassion involves offering yourself the same warmth and care that you would offer to a friend in need.
3. Self-Care: Prioritizing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is an essential aspect of self-love. This can include activities like exercise, healthy eating, adequate rest, relaxation, and engaging in hobbies or interests that bring you joy.
4. Self-Respect: Respecting yourself means setting boundaries, advocating for your needs, and not tolerating mistreatment or disrespect from others. It’s about recognizing your inherent worth and deservingness of dignity and respect.
5. Personal Growth: Self-love involves a commitment to personal growth and development. This may include setting goals, challenging yourself to step out of your comfort zone, and continually striving to become the best version of yourself.
6. Connection with Others: Recognizing the humanity and worth of others is integral to self-love. Cultivating healthy relationships based on mutual respect, empathy, and compassion enriches your own sense of worth and fulfillment.
7. Spiritual Connection (if applicable): For those who have a spiritual or religious belief system, self-love may also involve recognizing oneself as a beloved creation of a higher power and aligning one’s actions with spiritual principles of love, compassion, and forgiveness.

By integrating these elements into our understanding of self-love, we can cultivate a deeper sense of fulfillment, authenticity, and resilience in our lives.

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A Break Down of Selfishness

1. Inconsideration for Others: Selfishness often involves a lack of regard for how one’s actions or decisions might impact others.
2. Identity Tied to Abilities: Selfish individuals may tie their sense of self-worth solely to their abilities or achievements, neglecting the intrinsic value of their character.
3. Self-Loathing and Self-Deprecation: Despite external appearances, selfish behavior can stem from deep-seated issues of self-loathing and self-deprecation.
4. Self-Sabotaging Behavior: Selfishness can lead to behaviors that undermine one’s own well-being or the well-being of others.
5. Superiority Complex: A selfish individual may harbor a grandiose view of themselves, often manifesting as a superiority complex.
6. Inflated Ego and Egotism: Selfishness is characterized by an inflated ego and egotistical behavior, which can mask underlying insecurities.
7. Defense Mechanisms: Selfishness often employs defense mechanisms, such as false accusations, devaluation of others, or gossiping, to protect the fragile ego from perceived threats.

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How His Selfishness Impacts You: Choosing Boundaries for a Healthier Future

In the journey of single parenting, the impact of an absent or uninvolved father can weigh heavily on both the mother and child. His selfishness often manifests as emotional manipulation, leaving you to navigate the complexities of co-parenting alone. The late-night video calls and empty promises of connection can create confusion for your child while adding to your own emotional burden.

This title encapsulates the struggle many mothers face when trying to establish a healthy environment for their children while dealing with a father who prioritizes his own needs over their family’s well-being. It highlights how his lack of involvement can lead to feelings of guilt and heartache for you as you wrestle with the desire to foster a relationship between your child and their father, even when that father isn’t putting in the effort.

The subtitle, “Choosing Boundaries for a Healthier Future,” emphasizes the importance of setting limits in order to protect your peace and your child’s emotional health. It suggests that by recognizing the selfishness of the father’s actions and the emotional toll they take, you can take proactive steps to create a stable and supportive environment for your child. Establishing boundaries is not just a means of self-protection; it’s a way to teach your child the value of healthy relationships and self-respect.

Ultimately, this title and elaboration frame the conversation around self-care and empowerment. It encourages mothers to recognize their worth, prioritize their emotional well-being, and understand that it’s okay to refuse to shoulder the responsibility of another adult’s choices. By choosing boundaries, you are not only safeguarding your own mental health but also modeling the importance of self-respect and accountability for your child.

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How The Child Is Impacted

The toll of an uninvolved or selfish father can significantly impact a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, especially if the mother doesn’t establish firm boundaries and hold the line. Here are several ways this kind of fathering can affect a child:

1. Emotional Confusion

When a father is physically absent but emotionally manipulative, it creates a disconnect in the child’s understanding of love and relationships. They may begin to feel responsible for their father’s happiness, leading to confusion about their role in the relationship. The constant back-and-forth can leave them wondering why their father doesn’t take more initiative to be present, undermining their sense of self-worth.

2. Increased Anxiety and Insecurity

Children thrive on consistency and predictability. When a father only engages through sporadic calls or empty promises, it can lead to anxiety about their worth and stability. They may constantly worry about their father’s absence, which can translate into a fear of abandonment and a lack of trust in others. This anxiety can manifest in various ways, including difficulty in forming healthy relationships or challenges in school.

3. Distorted Perceptions of Relationships

Without clear boundaries, children may start to internalize their father’s behavior as normal. They may grow up believing that it’s acceptable for loved ones to be emotionally unavailable or that relationships are based on manipulation and guilt. This distorted view can carry into their future relationships, leading to cycles of unhealthy dynamics, as they may subconsciously seek out partners who mirror their father’s behavior.

4. Lower Self-Esteem

A child’s self-esteem is often tied to their perception of their parents’ love and involvement. If a father is consistently absent or fails to engage meaningfully, the child may feel unworthy of love. This can lead to low self-esteem and an ongoing belief that they must prove their value to others. In the long run, this can affect their academic performance, social interactions, and overall mental health.

5. Resentment Towards Parents

If a mother doesn’t set firm boundaries and allow the father’s behavior to continue unchecked, the child may feel resentment not only towards the father for his neglect but also towards the mother for not protecting them from the emotional fallout. They might question why their mother didn’t take a stand or why she allowed such treatment, leading to strained relationships within the family.

6. Behavioral Issues

Children who experience inconsistent parenting and emotional neglect may act out as a way to cope with their feelings. This could manifest as rebellious behavior, trouble with authority figures, or difficulties in school. Their behavior may be a cry for help or an attempt to gain attention in any form, even negative, further complicating their development and social interactions.

7. Difficulty Forming Healthy Attachments

As children grow, the patterns they learn at home often dictate how they interact with others. If a child experiences inconsistent emotional support and manipulation from their father, they may struggle to form healthy attachments with peers or romantic partners. They may either cling too tightly out of fear of abandonment or push others away, fearing they will experience the same emotional neglect.

Conclusion

Establishing firm boundaries is essential to mitigate these risks. By doing so, a mother can create a safe and nurturing environment that fosters her child’s emotional growth and security. This will not only help the child develop a healthy sense of self-worth but also equip them with the tools to navigate relationships in a healthier way as they grow. Ultimately, holding the line against an absent father’s manipulative behaviors can protect a child’s emotional well-being and promote a more positive and resilient future.

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The Power Of And

The Power of “And” in Parenting Dynamics

The phrase “the power of and” emphasizes the ability to hold multiple, often contrasting emotions or truths simultaneously. In the context of parenting, especially when dealing with an absentee father, this concept becomes crucial for both the mother and child. Here’s how it relates to the dynamics of parenting in challenging situations:

1. Recognizing Complex Emotions

The power of “and” allows both the mother and child to acknowledge that they can feel conflicting emotions at the same time. For example:

• “I love my father, and I feel hurt by his absence.”

• “I want my child to have a relationship with their father, and I also need to protect them from emotional manipulation.”

This duality acknowledges the complexity of relationships, fostering a more nuanced understanding of their feelings. It helps the mother validate her child’s emotions while also honoring her own feelings of frustration and sadness.

2. Balancing Boundaries and Relationships

The power of “and” can guide mothers in navigating the fine line between fostering a relationship and establishing boundaries. For instance:

• “I want to encourage my child to have a healthy connection with their father, and I must set limits to ensure their emotional safety.”

By embracing this duality, the mother can support her child’s desire for connection while also protecting them from potential harm. This balance is crucial for healthy emotional development.

3. Empowering Resilience

Teaching children about the power of “and” equips them with the tools to handle life’s complexities. Children learn that they can:

• Experience joy and sadness simultaneously.

• Care for someone while recognizing their shortcomings.

This perspective fosters resilience, helping them navigate future relationships with empathy and understanding.

4. Creating a Safe Space for Growth

By embracing the power of “and,” mothers can create a safe emotional space for their children. For example:

• “You can miss your father, and it’s okay to feel angry about his absence.”

Encouraging children to express a range of emotions promotes healthy emotional processing and prevents them from feeling ashamed or confused about their feelings.

5. Modeling Healthy Relationships

By demonstrating the power of “and,” mothers model healthy emotional processing and relationships for their children. They show that it’s possible to hold space for complexity in relationships:

• “I respect your father, and I won’t enable his inconsistent behavior.”

This modeling teaches children that relationships can be multifaceted and that they have the right to demand respect and set boundaries.

Conclusion

The power of “and” plays a vital role in parenting, especially when navigating the challenges posed by an absentee father. It allows both the mother and child to recognize and validate complex emotions, balance relationships and boundaries, and foster resilience. By embracing this concept, mothers can create a nurturing environment that encourages healthy emotional development and equips children with the skills to navigate their feelings and relationships throughout life.

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Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

12. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
13. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
14. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
15. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
16. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
17. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
18. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
19. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
20. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

21. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
22. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
23. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
24. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
25. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
26. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
27. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
28. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
29. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
30. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

31. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
32. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
33. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
34. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
35. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
36. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
37. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
38. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
39. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
40. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

41. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
42. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
43. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
44. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
45. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
46. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
47. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
48. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
49. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
50. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

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Resources

More Resources

• Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
• Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
• PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
• Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
• Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
• Patrick Weaver Ministries
• Esther Company
• Confusion to Clarity
• The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
• Intentional Today
• Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
• Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
• Betrayal Trauma Recovery
• Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
• Marg Mowczko
• Psalm 82 Initiative
• Thriving Forward
• Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
• Another One Free
• Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
• Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
• Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
• Nate Postlethwait

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