My Response Series | We Are All Here

Posted byThe Family TreatPosted inMy Response SeriesTags:, , , , , , , ,

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “We Are All Here”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Check out my post on Gaslighting

Check out my post to help women in a confusing relationship

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Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster while maintaining core topic of original post.

A woman shared that after two years of spiraling inward, she feels paralyzed and unsure if she can recover. With two children depending on her, a lease ending soon, and money running out, she feels forced to decide whether to return to an abusive marriage she once tried to leave. Living with OCD since childhood makes even basic decisions feel overwhelming, and although she recognizes the harm in the abuse, she also sees her husband as highly capable in other areas of life, which deepens her sense of failure. Counselors have advised her to leave, but she feels they don’t understand how debilitating her condition has become. Now exhausted, spiritually distant, and uncertain she can trust her own judgment, she feels trapped between returning to a situation she fears or facing a future she feels incapable of managing alone.

My Response

I would lean heavy on a different therapist.

Putting you in an ultimatum box like that is going to trigger fear of the unknown, and incredibly unwise for a counselor to advise in such a way.

You are in what I called, the unraveling. When I first left, I literally physically unraveled. At the time I couldn’t figure out what was happening to me, but I made a choice to be gentle with myself and not judge me or make any more decisions until I could understand what was happening, but my body just melted into the couch, bed, anywhere.

I would literally fall asleep like I hadn’t slept in years. It was as if my body finally felt safe to really rest, and so it did.

Hannah Esther

Days, weeks, months, or me just taking care of my kids, then working from home, and sleeping in all kinds of the oddest positions on the couch… I spent a year and a half in and out of this until one day my body was rested and I didn’t need to nap that day or go to bed early. I could just go through my day and feel like a person who existed again, moving through life and finding my own way as me, not as we or as him, but me and I was free to explore why that meant.

Was it scary, oh yes. Did I feel like I was dying some days, feeling like I failed my kids, feeling like I was never going to get better or be better or was this how it was always going to be now?

No. It will not always be this way. Finding who you are underneath all the diagnosis’s, all the labels, all the misinformation we’ve been given about ourselves over the course of our life leading to this point is overwhelming, but throwing it all away like a purge is also freeing.

OCD or you have preferences and for so long no one seemed to care about what you wanted and so you developed a way to cope and for a while it protected you, but now you want to thrive and not just survive, so what once protected you is now keeping you in a box.

We can’t place our life in a container forever, it will find its way out and sometimes it won’t look so pretty or be convenient at all really. It will be messy, unpleasant and uncomfortable.. 

Hannah Esther

Sometimes the easiest thing to do isn’t always the best and sometimes the best thing to do is easy. There’s no right or wrong here. There’s simply, what direction will give you the best chance at the life you want to have in 5 years.

The immediate future is going to be absolutely challenging and painful, however one path will lead you in one way and the other path will lead you in another way.

The odds are always in your favor when you choose yourself.

So, I say this. Instead of thinking about how good and reasonable he is between the cruelty, ask your future you, the one that already exists who has their own business, house and goes to visit their kids in college in her beautiful car, ask her, what you should do right now.

Then take a deep breathe and hold your chest and breathe out with a sigh as much as you can. Then tell yourself “I am so proud of you for walking away.”

“I’m so proud of you for choosing you.”

“You are safe here with me.”

“I’m so proud of you, your name.”

“I love you so much, your name.”

“You deserve to be treated with love and gentleness, and I’m going to love you and be gentle to you.”

Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!

You are worth loving, you are worth getting up and remembering who you are and you are fearfully and wonderfully made! God said so.

Hannah Esther

I created this back right when I went through my own situation in 2022 and I often look back at all of this and the woman I was then, going through the hardest time of my life has helped me to this day know my worth. I am proud of the woman I am and chose to be when all odds were against me and so can you.

Take with a grain of salt and know you are in control here. This is your life and only you get to live it!! 

Much love to you sweet girl. You are not alone. ♥️🫂

Side note: you also don’t have to do anything FYI, there is a third option. You don’t go back, you don’t file, you can just exist. I never filed. We separated in 2022, I know that’s a long time, but mentally I wasn’t in the right space to file until 2024, and since then I strongly felt it was best to wait (God has already revealed why). Is that for everyone, no, but I just want you to know you have options. You don’t have to do anything right now!!!

TheFamilyTreat.org/mommyhelp

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves and accepts ALL of you! ♥️

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Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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