Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “My Ex Is Crazy”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!
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Original Post
Check out my post on Gaslighting
Check out my post on Word Salad
My Response
Pretty much. But if you’d said this to me before he began revealing himself more, I’d never believed it…. I actually believed I was going crazy…. And truly felt like if I just tried harder he’d finally see me and love me consistently instead of intermittently. 😖 I often sit and just love on the me from back then, how alone and isolated she was, how gaslit and dismissed she was, how unloved by people who claimed to love her, the amount of unresolved hurt and silent crying… never once did I feel pity for myself, but I did feel a great deal of pain and I truly believe that heartbreak hurts like none other. So, that being said….. yes this is accurate. If a man says my ex is crazy, it’s a red flag. Because any emotionally healthy person who loved someone like they say they did would never call that person crazy… period. Either they are a liar about loving them or they’re a liar about them being crazy and usually them saying they are crazy is a sign of both being true.
How someone talks about someone is telling.
Describing behaviors is so interesting to hear, because I heard a man describe his wife’s “crazy” behavior and it was him explaining how she “constantly” tells him to clean up after himself… I mean how dare she, amiright! — he proceeds to say in a matter a fact way how he’s in the right for not cleaning up the mess “because she kept nagging him to”….. did you catch that, how quickly we are making it about her nagging instead of the fact he admitted how he doesn’t clean up after himself. Fun huh! He must be a joy to be married to. Another was a man saying his wife is crazy, then follows it with “she always wants to have sex and I just don’t think a relationship should be based on sex”…. When you assess that, there are some things we all can agree on, relationships shouldn’t be based on sex, but really though… is that the core issue — if her bid for attention from her husband is being met with such callous their is a deeper issue and it likely and most often has nothing to do with the marriage and is more of an individual issue with the person who is gaslighting her bid for attention by being avoidant of intimacy and healthy affection, by labeling her a sex addict or crazy. Men who claim their wife wants too much sex is likely not meeting any emotional or intimate needs and is shifting the blame to her to avoid taking accountability.
Anyways, I find it to be fun to learn the definition someone means behind their use of the word “crazy”, because you might learn something about them when they actually describe the behavior and how not crazy it actually is and how they are admitting to irresponsible or even destructive behavior that anyone would be rightly concerned about. Just such a great thing to sit back and observe. They aren’t even insightful enough or self aware enough to realize they are telling on themselves. That’s why most toxic people jump to using buzz words instead of describing the behavior they are labeling as crazy, because it would tell on them if they did and and some know it!!
Here are some examples of behavior that might be described as “crazy” in this context, even though they’re not actually irrational or extreme:
- “She always wants to talk about our relationship and work through issues.”
- “She expects me to remember important dates and anniversaries.”
- “She gets upset when I don’t listen to her or take her feelings into account.”
- “She wants me to spend more time cooking either with her or by myself for the family.”
- “She expects me to communicate openly and honestly with her.”
- “She wants me to help out with household chores and responsibilities without asking for a list.”
- “She expresses her emotions and frustrations instead of bottling them up.”
In these examples, the behavior described is reasonable and healthy in a relationship, but the use of the term “crazy” may be an attempt to discredit or diminish the validity of these expectations or actions.
- “She wants us to make decisions together and consider each other’s opinions.”
- “She expects me to be supportive and understanding when she’s going through a tough time.”
- “She asks me to check in with her when I’m out with friends.”
- “She wants to talk about the plans for each month every single month.”
- “She doesn’t like it when I flirt with other people or act inappropriately.”
- “She wants me to prioritize our relationship and invest time and effort into it.”
- “She expects me to be attentive and affectionate towards her.”
- “She asks for reassurance and validation in our relationship.”
In these scenarios, the behavior described is characteristic of a healthy relationship, but it may be dismissed as “crazy” by someone who is resistant to compromise or commitment.
- “She wants me to be transparent about my whereabouts and who I’m with.”
- “She expects me to respect her boundaries and personal space.”
- “She wants me to apologize and take responsibility when I’ve hurt her feelings.”
- “She expresses her desires and needs in the relationship.”
- “She wants us to discuss and resolve conflicts calmly and constructively.”
In these instances, the behavior described is part of maintaining a healthy and respectful relationship, but it may be dismissed as “crazy” by someone who chooses not to practice healthy communication or taking accountability.
- “She expects me to be considerate of her feelings and empathize with her experiences.”
- “She wants me to be honest and upfront about my thoughts and intentions.”
- “She asks for compromise and mutual respect in our decision-making.”
- “She wants me to plan dates more than once a month.”
- “She expects me to show appreciation and gratitude for her efforts and gestures.”
In these situations, the behavior described reflects common expectations in a healthy relationship, but it may be dismissed as “crazy” by someone who is unwilling to meet their partner halfway or acknowledge their own responsibilities in the relationship.
- “She expects me to listen to her and consider her perspective during discussions or arguments.”
- “She wants me to communicate openly about my feelings and concerns.”
- “She asks for honesty and integrity in our interactions.”
- “She expresses her needs for affection and intimacy.”
- “She wants us to work together to solve problems and make decisions.”
In these scenarios, the behavior described is essential for fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship, but it may be dismissed as “crazy” by someone who refuses to grow their emotional maturity or keep commitments.
- “She expects me to show empathy and understanding when she’s going through difficult times.”
- “She wants us to discuss our goals and aspirations for the future as a couple.”
- “She asks for consistency and reliability in our communication and plans.”
- “She expects me to respect her opinions and values, even if they differ from mine.”
- “She wants me to acknowledge and address any issues or concerns she raises in the relationship.”
In these instances, the behavior described is fundamental to building trust and mutual respect in a relationship, but it may be unfairly labeled as “crazy” by someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication in order to establish a healthy relationship.
If any of these examples are the actual behavior that’s being labeled as crazy…. You can know instantly that who your source is, is not a reliable source for the information that’s being shared. They are trying to discredit a good person, and make themselves out to being the victim. Great to be aware of so you don’t fall victim to the manipulation of this.
This behavior could be described as gaslighting. Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity, perception, or reality. In this case, labeling healthy behavior as “crazy” is a form of manipulation that undermines the other person’s valid feelings and expectations, making them doubt the legitimacy of their own needs and boundaries. It can be a tactic used to maintain control or avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions in a relationship.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in another person or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity. Here’s more on gaslighting and how to recognize if you’re being manipulated intentionally:
- Invalidation of Feelings: The gaslighter might dismiss your feelings and emotions, telling you that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.
- Denial and Contradiction: They might deny things they said or did, even when there’s evidence to the contrary. They may also contradict your experiences or memories.
- Twisting the Truth: Gaslighters often twist facts and manipulate situations to make themselves look innocent or to make you doubt your own version of events.
- Blame-Shifting: They may blame you for things that aren’t your fault or shift responsibility onto you for their actions or behaviors.
- Withholding Information: Gaslighters may withhold information or selectively share details to control the narrative and keep you in the dark.
- Isolation: They might try to isolate you from friends, family, or other sources of support to make you more dependent on them and easier to manipulate.
- Gradual Escalation: Gaslighting often starts subtly and escalates over time, making it harder to recognize at first.
To identify if you’re being manipulated intentionally, trust your instincts and pay attention to patterns in the person’s behavior. If you notice consistent attempts to undermine your confidence, perception, or sense of reality, it’s essential to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective and help you establish boundaries. Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. ♥️
Hannah Esther
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
Language for Behavior
Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!
- Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
- Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
- Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
- Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
- Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
- Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
- Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
- Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
- Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.
Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.
- Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
- Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
- Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
- Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
- Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
- Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
- Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
- Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.
Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.
- Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
- Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
- Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
- False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
- Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
- Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
- Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
- Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
- Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
- Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.
Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.
- Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
- Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
- Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
- Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
- Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
- Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
- Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
- Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
- Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
- Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.
This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.
- Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
- Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
- Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
- Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
- Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
- Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
- Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
- Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
- Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
- Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.
I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️
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Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
The Family Treat 