Hey! My name is Hannah. This blog post is such a vulnerable post. I was tempted to remove, but decided against it. I pray it will be an encouragement to you in your struggles.
I just reread this on 12/03/2022, and I feel so touched by my struggle last year. Clarity came this year. I’m praising God for His clarity and grace. These tough seasons are not simple and not everyone you encounter will grasp the gravity or depth of your experience. You are not alone! ♥️
Today has been an off and on day for me. I have been dealing with lethargy and just downright sluggish, I felt that possibly I was eating or drinking thing that were causing it, then I realized I have added some additional hours to my schedule with one of my subcontractor jobs and those hours are from 11pm to 2am and sometimes even 3am to 4am… I resigned from one of my gigs in order to spend more time with my girls and not be so bombarded with stress/work life and home life balance. It just doesn’t work for me to work a full-time job with kids who need me present. Well, after I put two and two together, I realized that that has to be the reason why I’m literally fighting to keep my eyes open during the day. Almost feels impossible and the more caffeine I consume only makes the crash so much worse! I’ve found that if I begin dosing on caffeine with this sluggish feeling, I get even more sluggish, and it doesn’t seem to subside even after sleeping.
I did some research and apparently for every night you miss quality sleep, it takes upwards of four days to recover. FOUR DAYS??? I was floored. I have been guilty of not getting good sleep involuntarily as well as voluntarily and the fact that this feeling I’ve had is lack of sleep related is just nerve wracking. It feels like there isn’t enough hours in the day. I have little to no motivation to do anything during the day and I need to do things at night that I otherwise cannot do during the day…
Problem – This is my dilemma, time. You can’t exactly purchase more time though. So, how do I resolve this? I feel like its going to take a lot of mental rewiring, but last night. I chose to not work late and just went to bed. It was hard, considering I’ve self-diagnosed myself with what ever its called where you stay up late and have a hard time sleeping. Well, I’ve updated that diagnosis to “I stay up because I am distracted from sleeping” — It literally sucks the energy right out of your next day. I’m buying time from my tomorrow. So, in a way I am buying time, its just got a huge consequence that I was not prepared for. The money I make at that gig is not worth the amount of depletion I’ve felt the past week. It’s an easy gig and the money isn’t bad, but it’s killing me slowly and I feel it. Majorly this week! I’ve been incapable of even forming sentences at points due to pure exhaustion and I must not sit down or else I’d fall asleep then and there. Just horrible.
I went through a major bout of depression earlier in the year and that really messed me up mentally, so I feel like a failure some days and its so strong that it becomes this hurricane or whirlwind in my mind that engulfs me. Mentally tapping me, making me feel like a failure, unloved, unwanted, a nothing with no value. I know that’s not true, but that’s logical. This isn’t logic, its all-pure raw emotion of an individual “ME!” – Who is struggling spiritually and is seeking for all the validations and “purpose” and the feeling of being wanted – by earthly things that will not and do not satisfy, as a matter a fact, they are not only not satisfying, but they are also in reality debilitating. That’s how deep and serious emotions can be, we would trade our health to feel wanted, needed, and to have a sense of purpose. I mean, maybe not everyone feels or thinks this way. But I know its in our nature to need to feel wanted or have a purpose of some sort, even if your purpose to be a bump on a log, it’s a purpose.
I’ve been going through this transition for roughly 2 years, late 2018 was when I began to really push the boundaries of my conscious/subconscious mind – rethink how I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. I really surprise myself looking back on things I’ve writing from back then and predating that time as well, wisdom – Now, I look at myself, and I’m thinking, what happened to me. Why am I this mess of a person, no organization like I used to be. No defined purpose or plans or even a real goal in life. Just existing ‘barley‘ one day to the next. Like a shell, just walking about with no real destination. Sounds depressing, but it really is how I feel lately. Maybe vitamins would be a good idea for me, I plan to research that as well. However, back in 2018 when I began to really test my thoughts and process of thinking, I found a book that I absolutely love, and it really makes me question everything. I love it. Its call The Conscious Parent. I stand by this book a thousand percent. If it wasn’t for that book, I do believe I wouldn’t firmly grasp what my true purpose is. Even during this storm that I’m going through, I know the truth. In the midst of all the emotion, I know that God has a plan and that I need to test my thoughts and test the spirits I allow in my life and my families life daily, hourly. Being conscious of oneself, is supernatural in my opinion and you can’t fail when every mistake is a lesson!
Nothing here is a cure for anything, else I probably wouldn’t be here blogging about my issues. However, there is healing in the pain of things. I do firmly believe that God has called us to such a greater purpose, that pain is a lesson of compassion. One day we may be able to witness someone in pain that is just not comprehendible to someone who hasn’t experienced it, this is a way for us to have compassion for those people who otherwise are alone. I know God has a purpose for what I’m going through, and I pray that I will learn what I need to from this experience.
I say all this to say, filling your life with meaningless busyness simply to feel needed/wanted, will do more harm to you than good. I feel like that is what I’ve been doing with this gig at night and the negative consequence has been outweighed the positive consequence 10 to 1. In closing, its important to ask yourself. Why 5 times. Why am I doing “INSERT WHAT IT IS” – Then ask “Why?” to the answer to that and continue. Usually by 4 or 5, you will know if its really something you should be doing. And of course, don’t forget to pray. Praying is an important and should be our first action in making decisions. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to me. I appreciate it! Have a great day!
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