Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “is this abuse?” I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!
Is This Abuse?
The original poster is curious if she’s being critical of the behavior of her boyfriend and questioning her judgment, wondering if it’s just her ptsd/history of having already been in two marriages with men who abused her in various ways. She is concerned about the “anger outbursts” of her boyfriend and states that in between these “anger outbursts” everything goes back to being great and the relationship is really good. She even states that her boyfriend says that it’s normal and all relationships have hardships. While she also describes the “anger outbursts” as: “but if I hurt his feelings (unintentionally) he gets so angry and loses his temper. I pay attention, and he has his little temper tantrums about every 5-8 weeks.” She stated he knows of her history with being abused and having ptsd from inconsistent and destructive behavior. She states that he knows his behavior is bad as he says “he hates that he does it”. Yet continues the behavior anyways. She feels confused and wants to know if this would be considered abuse. She apologizes for rambling while explaining her experience.
My Response
It’s your experience and it’s important to you!!
Hannah Esther
Just for starters, you are describing everything so well and none of this is rambling!! It’s your experience and it’s important to you!! I want to say that I’m proud of you for being vulnerable with what you’re going through and taking the time to write it here!!
In life we are going to be met with challenges and perceived slights and a considerable amount of trials, the sooner we can come to terms with that the sooner we can separate what happens around us from what happens in us and make our choices from a baseline of response instead of reactivity.
Hannah Esther
My first point I’d like drive home is the baseline. In life we are going to be met with challenges and perceived slights and a considerable amount of trials, the sooner we can come to terms with that the sooner we can separate what happens around us from what happens in us and make our choices from a baseline of response instead of reactivity. It’s quite literally the one thing we have supreme power over, how we respond.
Anyone can be Mr wonderful when things are going good.. it’s when there is conflict or perceived conflict that the persons true nature is revealed.
Hannah Esther
If his base line is to become a volcano in response to common misunderstandings, this is setting the tone for any and all possible conflicts and will inevitably get considerably worse as it is the very core of a person — anyone can be Mr wonderful when things are going good.. it’s when there is conflict or perceived conflict that the persons true nature is revealed. Can they regulate their emotions, can they consider the other person as they speak, can they self evaluate and change the behavior the next opportunity? All of these point to the person as being willing to truly change instead of lip service.
The concerned partner is then learning whether consciously or unconsciously that they should refrain from bringing things up that should be brought up, because they are being groomed to know that it’s not a safe place for anything that could rock the boat.
Hannah Esther
Usually the only one who changes is the person with a concern that is perceived by the overgrown toddler as a slight. The concerned partner is then learning whether consciously or unconsciously that they should refrain from bringing things up that should be brought up, because they are being groomed to know that it’s not a safe place for anything that could rock the boat.
It is tempting to regulate for them, but avoiding conflicting topics all together, which once you notice yourself doing that… it’s usually a good indicator that this is the baseline of your relationship.
Hannah Esther
You are not his mommy and he is not a toddler, he either will regulate his emotions or he won’t. However, it is tempting to regulate for them, but avoiding conflicting topics all together, which once you notice yourself doing that… it’s usually a good indicator that this is the baseline of your relationship at 8 months…. You already have an abusive foundation so early on that it will get progressively worse.
Him saying that he “hates that about himself” insinuates he identifies as someone who does this and that is a huge red flag that he likely has the limiting view that this is part of “who he is” verses simply something he has full control over doing and is actively choosing to do this behavior.
Hannah Esther
That being said, him saying that he “hates that about himself” insinuates he identifies as someone who does this and that is a huge red flag that he likely has the limiting view that this is part of “who he is” verses simply something he has full control over doing and is actively choosing to do this behavior.
In the process you are groomed to tip toe as to not get that beast that you will eventually claim as your responsibility or he will view as your fault for unleashing.
Hannah Esther
There is no accountability in that view and only when he’s calmed down, he “apologizes” and expects you to accept that this is who he is and y’all can bond over hating that side of him….. and in the process you are groomed to tip toe as to not get that beast that you will eventually claim as your responsibility or he will view as your fault for unleashing.
This person does not have the emotional intelligence to regulate their emotions on a bare minimum level of respect and consideration or they are actively choosing to being a complete inconsiderate disrespectful and a reckless individual.
Hannah Esther
Moving forward, you will likely see that you are the only person he blows a gasket to.. observe him with other people. Does he do the same tantrum with others, is he a tantrum personality or is it very specific to you and only you that gets graced with his choice to blow up when he feels slighted? It’s little key things like this that help me to know — this person does not have the emotional intelligence to regulate their emotions on a bare minimum level of respect and consideration or they are actively choosing to being a complete inconsiderate disrespectful and a reckless individual.
Either way the impact is the same and you will bare the burden of it if they are not willing to grow and it’s not your responsibly to coax them into growing, that’s a them thing.
Hannah Esther
Either way the impact is the same and you will bare the burden of it if they are not willing to grow and it’s not your responsibly to coals them into growing, that’s a them thing. In my experience someone who has these limiting beliefs will not change for someone…. They have to want it for themselves from inside out, not based on external people or things. It has to be a desire he has.
You can’t convince or love someone into changing and growing in a healthy way! They at their core have to want it.
Hannah Esther
You can’t convince or love someone into changing and growing in a healthy way! They at their core have to want it.
Just a quick side note, you should self evaluate if you currently have limiting beliefs like “this is as good as it’s going to get for me”, “I’ll never find another guy who does all the good things he does”, “it’s not that bad, it could be worse”….. some examples there to segway into a huge fat NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!!
Let me empower you to read the book 7 habits of highly effective people, I’m currently reading it and it’s just really empowered me in just about every aspect of my life.
You deserve to be treated with kindness even when the other person doesn’t like what you have to say.
Hannah Esther
You deserve to be treated with consideration and respect during conflicts and misunderstandings. You do not deserve to be yelled at, scolded or treated with stonewalling. You deserve to be treated with kindness even when the other person doesn’t like what you have to say.
Much love to you and I hope this encourages you on your journey!! ♥️🫂
Additional Responses
If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.
Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! It’s so easy for us to dismiss abuse and doubt it’s gravity just because it’s perceived as normal or common. Impact of being consistently treated like subpar human isn’t the only abusive dynamic, it’s the in-between times of good times that are just so great you tend to view the “bad” as a one off or just “how they are” and if you have limiting beliefs that convince you this is okay for some reason or another, you will justify their behavior and the impact it will have on you will be significant. Abuse is abuse, any abusive behavior is abuse and should be identified as such. If the other person is aware that their behavior is harming you and they continue the behavior, they are showing you that they are not going to change and are choosing to continue the behavior that they know has harmed you before. These are red flags that you should not ignore!!! Walk away if this is consistent in your situation! Disregard for your intrinsic worth as a person is the highest form of devaluation!! Much love to you on your journey!!
Subscribe
- My Response Series | Why Do The Wicked Prosper
They will reap grievously what they’ve sown, and some will not repent in this life. That is a tragedy in and of itself. - My Response Series | Self-Love vs Selfishness
Self-love involves healthy boundaries and self-respect, whereas selfishness often involves disregarding others’ feelings or needs. - My Response Series | Entitled Husband & “Crazy” Wife Dynamic
“No one is perfect” – Husbands attempt to gaslight his horrible behavior as his Wife simpling being unrealistic in her expectations of him. - My Response Series | “My Ex Is Crazy”
How someone talks about someone is telling. Someone who is unwilling to meet their partner’s emotional needs or engage in constructive communication is unsafe.
Resources
More Resources
- Natalie Anne Hoffman with the Flying Free podcast — episode 160 “An Emotional Recovery Tool That Changes Everything” — this episode is a game changer. I listen to it often and it has changed how I think and process my thoughts. Defines where our actions begin. How no one can make us feel anything. It’s all based on the meaning we place on things. It’s powerful to take your power back that you didn’t even know was yours to begin with. It was yours all along!
- Leslie Vernick – Enriching Relationships That Matter Most — podcast episode “Is It Abuse?”
- PlusONE Parents — podcast episode “Does God Hate Divorce”
- Jen Wilkin — podcast episode “DISTRESS & DELIVERANCE: UNDERSTANDING THE HEART OF GOD IN THE MIDST OF SUFFERING WITH JEN WILKIN”
- Bare Marriage with Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Patrick Weaver Ministries
- Esther Company
- Confusion to Clarity
- The Life-Saving Divorce—Gretchen Baskerville
- Intentional Today
- Sarah McDugal – Wilderness to WILD
- Rebecca Davis—Untwisting Scriptures
- Betrayal Trauma Recovery
- Sarah K Ramsey Toxic Person Proof Podcast
- Marg Mowczko
- Psalm 82 Initiative
- Thriving Forward
- Held & Healed: Christian Women Rebuilding After Abuse by Heather Elizabeth
- Another One Free
- Amy Gannett — podcast episode “ANSWERING YOUR KIDS’ QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD WHEN YOU’VE GOT SOME OF YOUR OWN WITH AMY GANNETT”
- Lisa Appelo — podcast episode “LIFE CAN BE GOOD AGAIN: LOSS & LACK TRANSFORMED BY THE GOODNESS OF GOD WITH LISA APPELO”
- Bailey T. Hurley — podcast episode “FRIENDS LIKE FAMILY: FINDING YOUR PEOPLE & CULTIVATING COMMUNITY”
- Nate Postlethwait
The Family Treat 