My Response Series | Dating – What does it mean?

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Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Dating – What does it mean?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!

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Dating – What does it mean?

The original poster is curious on how to handle a dating situation. Scenario, she’s been talking to this guy for week and a half, met up for ice cream then went bowling, has developed a deep emotional connection in the short period of time, however, once they met she felt like something was missing, the “spark” and that she would not be perusing anything further as far as an intimate relationship. The guy responds the following day via text saying a plethora of things that I target in my response. Uses some spiritual sprinkles, insinuating she’s hurting herself by sabotaging her life and not trying non toxic men, some “nice guy” jargon, some emotionally charged articles, some cringy story about a female he said all these things too and achieved the emotional response anticipated. Just a lot to unpack and so the original poster is concerned she is making the wrong choice and wondering if she should continue with him to see where it goes instead of calling it quits.

My Response

I just want to say how proud I am that you are putting yourself out there and exploring. That is a huge step and a challenge you’ve risen to the occasion for. I’m going to encourage you to stand in your new experience with a perspective of curiosity instead of fear or judging yourself for a moment. Let’s not fear what anyone thinks about you or your decisions. Let’s only look at the experience from a curious mind and a curiosity for what it means for you and you alone, no one has a say here.

Now once you’ve established this and you know you are not judging yourself or being judged by anyone else. You can assess this person with the minds eye that you are a whole person, and have experienced traumatic situations in the past, but that experience from your past is less likely the reason you are not interested in furthering with this person. You had a great experience with this person and you feel it’s not a fit for your long term goals for a serious intimate relationship and that is okay. You can have both, you can have a good experience and also not want to be with them. It doesn’t have to be “but”. It can be “and”. It doesn’t have to be because of trauma that you don’t want to continue the conversation, it can simply be you have a preference and that is it. I think digging deeper can be beneficial to your growth and healing, however, you took a huge step in simply putting yourself out there and was also highly honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like. I strongly suggest you lean into your intuition on the matter and trust yourself.

You should trust that it’s not as deep as he’s making it and it really is just cut and dry, you have enjoyed this experience and now you are moving forward. He will not be included in that moving forward and that is okay. You are not hurting yourself as he stated in his message and you are not sabotaging your life. He’s using a lot of terms that actually influence and cause someone to be groomed into questioning their choices and second guessing their resolve.

Be firm in your choice and make it profoundly clear. Be straight with your desires and goals and values and principles. He can psychoanalyze your decisions all he wants, however, him trying to create the narrative that you not choosing him is you sabotaging your life sounds more like a him issue than a you issue.

Now I’m no expert on dating or people, but I do know that we are responsible for our own life and him saying he is reaching out because he respects you, sending two articles to “prove a point” and then adding in a cute little story about a female friend who had an emotional moment and realization that she herself has been sabotaging her relationships, when he gave her this golden formula to life and the pursuit of not rejecting him…. He is really pushing the envelope in my opinion and likely has the false belief that if a girl says no to him it’s because she is attracted to toxic guys and doesn’t want a nice guy. Nice guy syndrome is a false belief most guys have to escape being accountable for their existence in situations. It can be a great experience and not be the person for you. It doesn’t have to be “she is sabotaging her life because she doesn’t want to be with me”…

Personally, I would just take a step back like I said in the beginning and just view everything from a place of curiosity and from a light hearted spirit. Y’all have only been talking for less than 2 weeks and he’s already sending you articles and creating narratives that don’t resemble your true motive or intent…Nothing is permanent in this life, we should be open to change and encourage it even. This person may not be so keen on accepting that you are just not that in to them even though you enjoyed yourself and for their own ego they have to create some off the wall narrative to help soothe their own insecurities or unhealed wounds, making you responsible or the issue instead of what’s actually happening.

Also, the spiritualizing zing in the beginning feels a bit ick to me. “Woman of God”… listing the icks real quick for summary… “I have been doing a lot of praying and reflection”…. “The idea of us not having a “spark” as you stated could be that you were attracted to a toxic person and that’s all you know”…. Biggest ick “explained that to my female friend and she cried….” 👀🚩

I feel like he is doing what my ex did by insighting emotions and trying to have someone take responsibility for something that is so generalized that it creates some type of emotional bond that gives them this perceived authority to say things and cause emotional moments of confusion or second guessing what you chose to do in your best interest. It’s so freaking subtle and I stayed with someone for 8 years not realizing it was all a means of control, on a atomic level. It’s really hard to tell when someone you feel connected to is manipulating you. I find his whole approach to be a huge misdirection and manipulation attempt to insight emotions in you or some type of reaction similar to female friend. Like he’s done this before.

That being said, whether you are sabotaging something or not is really irrelevant. You are your own person and someone you’ve know for less than 2 weeks should not be claiming this or even insinuating it, he clearly has gotten the idea from somewhere that he has some type of pull or authority of some sort and that to me is a red flag, like hidden entitlement. It would only be perceived as a caring person as that’s how he keeps reminding, but it’s too much, which begs the question. Do you even know female friend, and why does it matter how he made female friend cry unless that story was meant to make you feel like you’re making the wrong choice and you should pray and be like him…. I mean it could go in so many directions really. Intentions aside, you made your choice and I want to empower you to stand in your truth, stand in your gut feeling and stand in your principles and standards.

If the spark isn’t there, it’s not there. — let me add to this too. Spark is sometimes overlooked as being fickle or vain or skin deep, shallow or someone who doesn’t like quality but seeks desires and pleasure… all of which are highly false!! You have a preference to experience something a bit more along the lines of someone in different stature or difference of presence or difference of body shape or difference of approach, all of which are preferences. When a vibe isn’t present, it cannot be forced into being. It just can’t. When you vibe with someone it is really there. And I mean it may not be visible, but when your people are around, you know. It’s like a sensation, you can feel the authentic energy, you just mesh together and the value in that type of energy is real.

It’s worth saying thank you for good experiences and I’m going to keep moving forward.

We don’t have to stop and setup shop at every good experience and person. We can keep moving until we are ready to invest our whole energy into someone. We are worth that. You are worth listening to and accepting that you have experienced something and have decided a different direction. No hard feelings. It’s okay.

You don’t owe him an explanation and you don’t owe him more time to “convince you you’re making a sabotagy decision”. You are the creator of your life and if he feels the “idea that there is no spark” isn’t true — then that’s his experience and that’s okay for him. We can have different experiences even in the same room with someone. Does he fit into your long term goals for your future? If right now he doesn’t fit and it’s not there then more time won’t change that, usually more time reveals the pretenses more than increases a vibe or energy that was missing to begin with.

I want to encourage you to stand tall in your choice and don’t doubt your resolve!! Take this experience and move forward to new experiences! ♥️🙌🏼

Much love to you on your journey! 🫂

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! I think it’s so important to rest in your experiences and find peace in your choices. We are going to have amazing experiences with temporary people and that is a reality that’s hard to grasp. We should never feel obligated to be with someone simply because we had a good time. We should never feel obligated to stay with someone simply because we fear no one else will provide the [insert here] you’ve been missing your whole life. That would be you making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity! We should always make decisions in our best interest and never succumb to the feeling that we should drudge through because the status quo is that we “should” or else we “only want to be with toxic people” or “we are shallow” or “we are sabotaging our relationships”. All of which could be true, but that’s not for anyone to decide for your life. You get to choose where you are coming from and what your intentions are based on your values and principles that are in alignment with where you want to be in your life. Your long term goals and what is serving those goals to come to fruition. You are not a product of someone else’s thought life, they can think what they’d life. You are your own person, separate and whole from them and their thoughts or feelings. You do not owe anyone an explanation nor do you owe anyone your time or energy. You have to find what is meant for you in your life and it’s okay if someone who is super cool just isn’t a good fit for you. It has nothing to do with anyone being less than or unworthy of respect and love or that you are sabotaging your life or that your reason for not feeling a spark or energy vibe with someone is because you are used to toxic energy and so this “good” energy is confusing you… Just NO! That’s all a wild and excruciating process of “what can we blame”… let’s not. If the guy isn’t chill and respecting your choice to not move forward with them after a great time, then that’s how they feel and that’s okay, but for them to swing back and find “all the reasons” that it could be that you are choosing to reject them actually being a hidden deep seeded unhealed wound is just a red flag. Straight up red and flaming!! They have no chill and are likely coming from a place of ego or unhealed wound themselves. They should accept, maybe ask why and move forward themselves as a healthy well adjusted and emotionally intelligent person! I’m no dating expert, but I’m well versed in holding one’s self accountable and this ain’t it! Thank you again for spending time with me here and I hope you have a wonderful day and go experience some new things in life! ♥️

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Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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