My Response Series | Manipulation

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Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Manipulation”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

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Original Post

Basic info: OP (original poster) is in a 6 month relationship with boyfriend. He told her history about a female that he has met randomly at times at a bar who’s tried numerous times to match with him (his words) on dating apps and he was never interested in her. All of which occurred prior to them dating op & bf. OP came accords this girls insta and noticed her bf has been liking recent photos. Now she is trying to assess the possibilities.

  • Cheating – is he stepping out with her.
  • Manipulation – is he using this other girls interest in him as a way to incite feelings of competition in his gf, ultimately trying to get her obsessing over him and what not. Ie “Playing games”.
  • Cake and eat it too – doesn’t actually plan to be w the other girl, but loves the option and feeds her a bread crumb of attention in the form of a “like” every now and then to make sure she knows he’s still around. She doesn’t even have to talk to him for his ego to be stroked. His internal dialogue is already feeding that ego based on his assumptions.
  • She’s got a gut feeling that something is off – he has placed her in a situation that has her questioning things that should not need to be questioned. Too much is in the air and unaddressed. DTR (define the relationship) would show that an accurate assessment of both of their expectations within a committed relationship does not align and thus she is experiencing the aftershock of the tectonic plates shifting. Hence the gut feeling that something is off. They have different definitions of commitment. Which is okay, and is something important to define early on to eliminate wasted time.

All of which has led her to realize that regardless of what he is choosing, she has taken responsibility for her life and has decided to leave him. He is interested in a type of attention she cannot provide and that is okay for him, and she recognizes that and giving him back to find someone who will tolerate his divided attention. There is a lot more to the story, however, to share would provide to much detail personal to the OP. I wish her well.

My Response

If you feel this strongly about it, I’d recommend assessing your attachment to him. Would it benefit you to confront him and ask why? Would he be reasonable to talk to and not shift blame onto you? Or should this be considered a non negotiable for you. I’d think that’s something you will need to navigate from within yourself.

I can see how this would seem sus if he’s shown betraying behavior in the past and you’ve let things slide (benefit of the doubt) and this just happen to be the thread that breaks the camels back. But alone, it doesn’t scream guilty of anything other than face value he said there is nothing between them on a romantic level, but he does hype her when she posts photos or stuff.

Grain of salt, I like peoples stuff of the opposite sex with no intent to be romantic, I’ve also not made any mixed signal advances or attention attempts for my ego. So, it’s safe to know that it can be done. Now him knowing the girl has liked him and tried matching with him and he thought it was a good idea to clue you in on the useless info is triggering because what was his motive in providing you with this information. This feels like the onset of getting you to feel some kind of way and usually it causes someone to be provoked into hyper fixation, which on a non conscious level deepens our emotional investment in the given situation.

Honestly, I would assess his intent with sharing this useless info with you and once you have come to terms on his motive either with his knowledge or not, you should distance yourself to reflect on if he’s trying incite in you the feral desire in women of competition and if that’s the case, he’s manipulating you.

Just be ware, this other girl liking your man is a compliment, him elaborating on it could be him manipulating you and that’s the real red flag. Hidden but in plain sight.

Much love to you. I would not hyper fixate on this girl or him liking her photos, I would begin paying attention to what info he shares with you and find his motive and assessing if it’s manipulation to incite specific emotions in you.

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

OP Response —

Hannah Esther such great insight in to the subconscious (or maybe even conscious) ways he could be manipulating me.

Maybe you can help me understand… if he has known she likes him and yet he didn’t pursuing anything with her, why like her pics? … and I’m talking before him and I were in a relationship. To me … to tease or intentionally lead her on? Something actually did happen between them and he has lied to be about it? Other?

My Response to OP —

thank you.

I believe you are not over reacting! I believe you are asking reasonable questions and are invested in the truth.

Hypothetical, now as for the possible reason in keeping someone that you know likes you at arms length and not entertaining a committed relationship with is strongly indicative of an ego boost or narc supply. Him liking her photos gives him the possible security of giving her bread crumb attention for in the event he needs emergency supply/ego boost. She has made him believe hypothetically that she’s a slam dunk and if he just says the word, she’s on him like white on rice. This is all a hypothetical, and I have in my time kept boys strung along that I had no intention of being with, but them wanting me with me not having to invest into them and them accepting my occasional bread crumb of attention stroked my ego (it’s quite toxic really, I was a teen doing this behavior).

The possibility of him manipulating you into feeling specific emotions usually works to created a triangulation of sorts. He gets his supply backup, her simply existing is a trickle supply and you being fed the info that she may be a threat will incite in anyone the need to investigate. Hence us talking now.

How does all this sound?

There was more responses, however I placed the end result in the foot of the OP Section to shorten this as it’s quite long.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. It can go undetected for decades and the side effects of being manipulated are enormous! So many lives altered based on fabrications. It’s gutting really loving a life with someone who manipulates. It’s devastating the longer you’re deceived in it, and the day you have clarity, it’s like a great awakening. And unravel. All your memories begin to unfold of ick gut feelings you suppressed because you felt you were over reacting or someone told you that you were over thinking it. Its radical the havoc that being manipulated wreaks on your life, your mind, your body and your relationship with God. It takes all your energy and all your joy. It robs you of your time and blames you for its existence. When someone wields this weapon of mass destruction against you, it’s usually laced with a caring smile or a “I love you” to fill the void that would exist if they didn’t fill the air with their deceptive manipulative tactics to keep you strung along, feeding their ego. They are the vultures of the living, preying on those who love unapologetically. Annihilating good peoples character to hide their evil intentions and gain peoples pity. The have to suck everyone dry to feel an ounce of wholeness, since they are shallow holes of people. This is an extreme sounding experience, because that’s what manipulation looks like after it’s done with you. (It’s never really done). No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! ♥️

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Published by The Family Treat

I’m a mommy of two! I love everything from food to traveling to being at home and relaxing! Arts, crafts, helping others be the best they can be. Life is short, we need to utilize every since moment of it!

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