My Response Series | Can Marriage be an Idol?

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Can Marriage be an Idol?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

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Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

OP read a post from Patrick Weaver OG post here. OP says “I read this today. After years of guilt, believing I had to stay in my marriage out of respect for God. I am now reconsidering. I have told my husband he has never behaved like a husband. I told him it is like we have never been married. And when i thought things were going well, i would find out he’d been lying and it was all a show. But we had the ceremony. We made vows. We consecrated our marriage. We slept in the same bed. We had children together. Is it possible we were never married under God? Is it possible that our marriage was never a true covenant?”

Marriage, a covenant marriage, doesn’t require you to beg, plead and pray for a mate to treat you right. A covenant partner’s behavior is not supposed to cause trauma or emotional warfare.

Listen beloved, covenant marriage is an agreement…an agreement to submit to behavior that reverences your Savior (Ephesians 5:21). It is not an agreement to be destroyed with gladness, submit to madness or idolize marriage. Teaching on marriage, in the church, that bypasses the cornerstone of God’s will and plan for covenant marriage, can never be godly. Every scripture in the Bible regarding covenant marriage, rightly divided, points to the divine purpose of covenant marriages and the heart posture of a covenant mate: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).

There is no imbalance of power in a covenant marriage. There is no coercive control in a covenant marriage. There is no inferior or superior mate in a covenant marriage. There is no mentality or belief that undermines reverence for Christ in a covenant marriage. There is no begging, pleading and hoping for a spouse to not delight in evil, not neglect, not abuse — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually or financially, in a covenant marriage. There is no Christian martyrdom or holy sacrifice of dignity, honor and respect in a covenant marriage. There is no option to betray, there is no option for willful, diabolical and soul crushing behavior to be tolerated in a covenant marriage.

Weddings are man-made, covenant marriages are God made. Wedding vows are man-made, covenant agreement is God made. When the covenant agreement is not behavior based, behavior that reverences your Savior, there is no agreement — not a covenant agreement. The outcome of a covenant agreement glorifies God and symbolizes the love that Christ has for the church: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body” (Ephesians 5:25-30).

There is no debating or arguing or doubting what God said covenant behavior is supposed to symbolize. Therefore, defiance, rebellion or depraved indifference in a covenant marriage is unholy. It is a house divided. It is an unevenly yoked relationship that God cannot and did not join together (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). Listen, I didn’t say healthy, holy marriages don’t have problems. I said willfully destructive, depraved and diabolical behavior, or any treatment of a spouse that defies God’s marriage covenant agreement, is not a marriage problem, it’s an evil behavioral problem that covenant marriage was not and is not created to accommodate or tolerate.

Teaching spouses that evil within a covenant marriage is a part of God’s will and plan for covenant marriage is the equivalent of saying evil behavior within covenant relationship with God is the plan for salvation. God’s love does not delight in evil (1 Corinthians 13:6)…therefore, covenant relationship does not have an evil option — not with a spouse (Colossians 3:19), God (Romans 1:28-32), the church (1 Corinthians 5:11), or God’s people (2 Timothy 3:1-5).

Unrepentant, evil, diabolical, covenant violating behavior departs from the biblical marriage covenant. Departure from the biblical marriage covenant — physically or behaviorally, is biblical grounds for divorce (1 Corinthians 7:15). And let’s be clear, loving evil better, submitting to evil or tolerating evil is not a marriage covenant commandment, it’s a narcissist’s commandment. Judas didn’t betray Jesus because Jesus didn’t love Judas enough, Judas betrayed Jesus because Judas was a betrayer (John 12:1-6). A spouse who delights in evil and willfully rebels against the covenant agreement is not a covenant mate, they are the enemy of God’s covenant marriage…and they will reap what they sow — a letter of divorce. And be clear, a divorce based on biblical grounds — physical or behavioral abandonment, or sexual immorality/adultery, comes with the biblical right to remarry.

Carry On!

Patrick Weaver Ministries

My Response

Wow!!! I absolutely love how you worded this and yes I have come to the same conclusion. My husband and I weren’t joined together by God. It was a fabrication that I believed was true.

God does not join together deception. It would be heretical to say God joined together many marriages. My best example to drive it home is same sex marriages. Do we believe God joined those together. No. So in the same breath at the sound of my voice how could we say God joined together a deceiver and a woman or an adulterer and a woman or a railer and a woman, when God specifically told us to not even eat with such.

Thank you for sharing. It’s taken me a long time to unravel and come to this conclusion, but it’s important to witness. God doesn’t bring every marriage together. 🫶🏼

Hannah Esther

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Hannah Esther they were not my words actually. This is from Patrick Weaver. The actual post is much longer and there’s so much more like this on his page. There’s a masterclass on there called “When the Vow Breaks” that I want to do

OP Commented on my Response

thank you for sharing! Love Patrick Weaver!

Hannah Esther

Hannah Esther I just discovered him through recommendation through another woman in this group. My husband has been sending me stuff telling me that divorce is not OK even in the Bible. The speaker said it was misinterpreted because it was only about certain people in that specifuc time and it’s not meant for everyone and you’re not allowed to divorce for any reason. That had me all in turmoil. I can’t imagine living this way the rest of my life. I’m already so broken.

OP Commented on my Response

Girl I understand. Spiritual abuse is what kept me believing I was to stay in order to honor God. However, God is so much bigger than this, and God loves you so much He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for your sins and so that you might live life here abundantly!

God never intends for us to live a life in bondage to a unrepentant reprobate minded person who uses Gods Word to manipulate and deceive. That’s what the snake did in the garden of Eden! God cursed that snake for His deception and also said

40. And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

41. Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:”

Matthew 25:40-41 KJV

It is a unrepentant heart that harms and deceived one of Gods children!

God does not look lightly on those who are a snake and twist Gods Word, they will be cursed and cast into the lake of fire with the original snake, the devil himself! Men who abuse and use their wives as emotional and spiritual punching bags are not heirs of the Kingdom, they are vagabonds and reprobates who you should steer clear of. Protect your relationship with God and do not entertain the deceivers!!

Much love! ♥️🫶🏼

Hannah Esther

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth will free you of the burden of “keeping things together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions or the idolization of marriage! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️

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Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Resenting Women

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Resenting Women”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post

Paraphrasing to keep anonymity

OP is dating guys and taps on guys profile to find this photo. In OP opinion, this tells a lot about the guys view, humor, character and she is wanting to know if she’s being too sensitive.

My Response

It’s is a very subtle manipulation on someone’s view of women on a deep level.

You know those deep seeded beliefs we talk about sometimes, that we tend to have a hard time articulating, even though we know they exist, but like where do they come from right and what even are they, it’s not like we’re really thinking about them since they are so deep and distant from our conscious mind….

Well, this type of humor is how we get the belief, since it’s laced in humor it can go even deeper due to it being attached to “safe” emotions…

Then there’s the message, “women doomed all humanity”…

I mean that alone is such a dangerous belief, even in jest. It quite literally implies all women are not to be trusted and have on ability to think for themselves much less anyone else and that incites an underlying feeling of women must be the problem or the reason there is a problem. I know I used to default in my thinking “well what did she do to cause it” or “I wonder what she did that made them do that”…. Toxic and dangerous beliefs that so many people carry around without a thought about its danger or implication.

The reality is, if it wasn’t for the fact that most people on a grand scale are so unaware of themselves and how they impact their surroundings, this comes off as innocent. Problem being, it’s not. It’s malicious and paints women in a light that actually makes you as a woman, the punch line, the joke, the mistake, the problem, the person who is responsible for any problems if one arises.

This view becomes so deep and in the recessed of one’s mind, it’s not even a thought anymore, it’s simply a program that runs when triggered or when is woken up by the sleeper programming that initiates it.

examples:

A woman wearing clothes that some would consider immodest and somehow that is blamed for a man wandering or “stumbling” instead of the man being held accountable for his behavior.

A woman who is claiming a man raped her, and instead of believing her, we assume something contrary like how she provoked him or even asked for it because of how she talked to him, she was kind to him and led him on…..

The belief is nestled in resentment and usually the people who have this belief about women, were groomed by another who hates and resents women and find this type of humor stimulating to their baseline of core beliefs, even if it’s not active thoughts, it’s a deep seeded belief that only surfaces when it’s triggered and manifest in humor and in charisma… but is dangerous and shouldn’t be entertained.

If you do find this humorous, especially as a woman, I recommend you taking a moment privately and asking yourself if you actually find it funny or if there is belief inside of you that is self deprecating as a woman. Also, if you’ve never sat alone and thought about Eve, and her life and how it must have felt. To never have been told by God not to touch, but was then deceived by a man with smooth words and even used Gods word to convince her that what she was doing was good for food… it’s incredible how relatable the story is, as I too was fooled by a man who claimed to love me and I was deceived for years, painfully humiliating and gutting, I ate that bitter fruit and it was harrowing. I will say, I am thankfully able to have all of you as support and it has been healing, but Eve, she had no one. The was alone and baring children. Her sweet Able, killed by her own son. How hard that must have been to experience.

All the while she was with a man, Adam, who directly to God blamed her for his choice to eat the fruit. How gutting. How terribly devastating, she couldn’t go date and leave that toxic man.

It’s not funny to laugh at women hating content, no matter how charismatic it may sound, it teaches the wrong message and that message travels deep when taught in humor. 

Eve deserved better and she was favored by God. She should not be mocked for anyone’s kicks and giggles. It says a lot of one’s character and their level of emotional intelligence if they find this to be good humor. 

Much love. 🫶🏼

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Commenter

1) You’re not a girl and neither was Eve. She was “Woman.” 

So are you.

2) I don’t have trouble choosing a place to eat. That is a a cliché. 

3) Adam was a player in that while bringing a curse on humanity. Equal distribution of blame.

Commenter on OP

My Response

nothing was equal about it actually. Eve was deceived. Adam sinned. Humanity wasn’t cursed, the ground was.

Eve was never told directly from God about the fruit, she hadn’t been made yet. God only told Adam.

In my experience, the only women I know who are “indecisive” when it comes to eating are the ones who have been groomed to second guess themselves by the men in their life or the women who passed down the generational curse of deferment which can be seen as indecisive.

When a woman is raised to believe they can’t trust themselves, because the heart is deceitful, it makes sense they’d be indecisive about everything and defer responsibility for their own choice in a matter as a result.

Eve most definitely was a woman, who never was a child or a teenager. She was most definitely a woman, alone and with only a man who blamed her for his choice to eat the fruit.

I have so much respect for Eve and cannot wait to meet her one day to give her a hug! 🫶🏼♥️

Hannah Esther

Different Commenter OP

Sometimes the last thing this world needs is another stiff Christian. Maybe it was just meant to be light hearted and not condemning. God, too, has a sense of humor. Perhaps ask him to clarify and give home a chance.

Commenter OP

My Response

all that will do is give him a heads up he needs to hide his misogyny better. I took your advice 9 years ago and it was a terrible choice to “believe the best in a man who shows you exactly who they are in the beginning”… 

I highly recommend checking out Burned Haystack Dating Method™

The CDA is perfect and would explain better why we don’t give benefit of the doubt to obvious toxic and dangerous rhetoric.

Text: stiff Christian

Context: someone is expressing how they saw a photo with joke about women not being able to pick where to eat because the first woman doomed humanity when she chose. Someone commented “the last thing the world needs is another stiff Christian. Maybe it was meant to be light hearted and not condemning. God, too, has a sense of humor. Perhaps ask him to clarify and give him a chance.”

Sub text:

We are going to make a dangerously misleading claim about women, in a funny way, to make people sound crazy for questioning it or stating it’s not funny. “Don’t be a kill joy you stiff Christian you”. This will ensure that even well meaning people condemn you for not liking the content.

We are going to label you a stiff Christian real quick, just so you know now that if you hold to boundaries and not finding dangerous content funny, you’re branded. You’re welcome. “I’m not a stiff Christian, I love to laugh at women and self deprecate about all the things I’m not good at in the name of humility, you prideful stiff Christian you.” 

We now want to make sure we give him the opportunity to explain himself, because men are good at that. “It’s important to second, third and forth guess yourself, because good grief we don’t want to be like Eve who doomed humanity with her choices…. Naughty woman for thinking for herself.”

Don’t forget we have to mention Gods sense of humor here, because who knows God more than a selfless & self deprecating in the name of humility and humor gal than I, “we ought to give this innocent man a chance to redeem himself, the misogynist things he’s saying are more than likely innocent and he doesn’t even know what he’s doing, don’t be so judgey and give this poor guy a chance to convince you he’s a nice guy, you likely won’t find anyone better than this anyways, why make it so difficult.”

And the grand finale, lshut up and know your place. He’s a man, he knows best, why in the world would you question Gods humor, and be a stiff Christian, and not give this wonderful man a chance to manipulate you, I mean show you he can hide it better next time, I mean, just stop thinking for yourself. You obviously don’t have a sense of humor and I’m sure God isn’t impressed.”

—— just remember. God loves you and doesn’t mock women or laugh at their expense. This is not the humor God would ever entertain. Period. Full stop.

I call this gaslighting at its finest. Thank you for the opportunity to analyze it. 

🫶🏼♥️

Hannah Esther

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic.

I was raised in such a way, where women were only as valuable as they worked for it, or their worth was determined by the man she was with, or she was only worthy if others believed she to be of value. If she does something regarded as shameful, she’s no longer of value and is discarded. It’s pretty harsh when addressing it in this manner, but I know many people, men & women, have a view of women that is contingent and easily persuaded to view women in a light that places her at the forefront of responsibility for not only her actions, behaviors, feelings and life, but too the behavior, actions, feelings and life of the men around her. Too often we find ourselves in dalliances with the idea that she’s the reason he did this, or she’s really valuable because she cleans the house and cooks… nothing wrong with cooking and cleaning, but to claim this is what makes her valuable is degrading. She is not a slave or a house maid. She’s more than that and should be viewed as more than that! Resenting women is not new and many people don’t even realize they are resenting women in jest, because it’s so pervasive in our society, so embedded in how we view and see the world at large, it’s easy to blame the girl for being raped because “she asked for it with her immodest apparel” completely disregarding the man or boy who violated a woman along the way. It’s easy to blame a woman for a man’s rage because “she probably isn’t submitting to him or respecting him, what does she expect.” Dismissing the reality that this man is making a choice to rage that is out of her scope of control. It’s easy to blame a woman for the man cheating or watching porn because “she’s likely using sex as a bargaining chip and depriving him of his needs. While dismissing his covenant breaking behavior and blatant betrayal and adultery. We dismiss the pain inflicted on women in the most harrowing ways and then blame women for it. We label women who have high standards as picky and women who are eager as a pick me. We label women who are single as sad and lonely and women who are married as someone with value. Idolizing marriage and martyrdom, idolizing the infantilizing of woman and projecting all shame and bad behavior onto the woman whom we infantilize. We label a woman who embraces her voice as a usurper of men’s authority, but a woman who defers her voice and walks on eggshells is praised publicly while being groomed to believe being abused is normal. This is not how God intended woman to be treated. Sin in this world isn’t an excuse to allow these toxic beliefs of women to continue! You’re either safe or you are not safe. Sin in the world or not, women are worth more than being silenced and labeled. They should be protected, heard, seen, cherished, honored and loved. God loves you, sees you, hears you, honors you. God will never leave you nor forsake you! There are men and women out there who honor women and respect women. Dont settle for less.

Live in the confidence that God is your true identity! You are enough! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | A Critical Spirit Will Never Hear You

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “A Critical Spirit Will Never Hear You”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

An image was posted stating “Self-reliance and self-confidence are deadly to Victorious Christian Living encouragement for today.”

My Response

Toxic religious rhetoric. It has double meaning and makes it unsafe for those who have been scape goats and told they are sinful for holding someone accountable for their behavior. Being able to rely on your own judgment about someone’s behavior is paramount to a Christian walk and being confident that you have the ability to make sound judgment calls is vital to living a whole and abundant life in Christ. Otherwise you’re just living in doubt and treating God like a fairytale genie fairy godmother.

God gave us gifts and talents and one of them is the ability to know you are capable of something and not just an indecisive mess all the time in the name of the Lord.

People who idolize this idea of anti self reliance and anti self confidence are too the same people who idolize people who suffer for ever and find their identity in suffering and martyrdom and are extremely critical of those who find deliverance from suffering especially when deliverance is in the form of divorce.

I like to distance myself emotionally when I observe someone identifies strongly in fear, suffering & indecisiveness — like they are virtuous for being such a martyr to self. And betraying their needs and wants.

People who do this are also inclined to believe you are responsible for comforting them when they feel something about your life and when you don’t, you’re out of Gods will or worse, unsaved and need salvation…… 👀🤷🏼‍♀️ can’t win with a critical spirit. Gotta give it to God and moveeeee forward. 🫶🏼

A critical spirit will never have ears to hear. Only God can soften their heart and convict their spirit. I like to simply distance myself and give to over to Him. This is not a friend you want to confide in.

My two cents 🫶🏼♥️

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! I have found a lot of healing in setting aside my ego, recognizing where I tend to default in situations that are uncomfortable or are a threat to my ego. A critical spirit lives in the inflated ego and an active avoidance of self awareness, self reflection and self acceptance.

It’s interesting how a critical spirit will condemn people for being too self-absorbed if they have self-confidence or are self-reliant, yet their mere critical nature is a result of their lack thereof.

It’s painful to peel back the layers of ego and self deprication in order to reveal who we really are.

Especially for someone who has soaked in the bath of righteous indignation for far too long, using it as a cover for their own dirty little secrets. Not everyone plots and schemes, or tries to “get back” at people who they perceive has tried to harm them, not everyone defaults into destructive behavioral patterns or harmful behaviors.

A critical person believes everyone is as critical or worse than them, they believe people to be the worst attributes possible that they can think of. A critical spirits ego is threatened by those who have a genuine heart of kindness, because critically speaking, it has to be just as fake as the critical spirits fake kindness.

The loathing and the condescension in a critical spirit cannot genuinely be kind, they seethe with genuine pain at the idea someone is being kind as it ignites the desire to prove the point that it’s not genuine.

It’s one of the reasons you’ll see someone kind being targeted by a critical spirit, because the challenge has been accepted. To destroy them at all costs and in doing so prove they aren’t really kind at all, pushing them to the point of explosion and then pop. Point proved, they cause the person who was genuinely kind to display a response that isn’t so kind and now the critical spirit is validated and believes they are indeed right and this proves it to themselves and in a twisted way makes the critical spirit feel justified in doing whatever malicious thing they did to procure that reaction from the kind person in order to serve the purpose of “revealing the truth”.

Fuels them and confirms they aren’t in the wrong for their part in creating chaos that anyone would likely respond to in frustration.

Yet a critical spirit doesn’t see it that way. They see it as proof and like it’s an unmasking of the true evil one. The faker.

So in a critical spirits narrative, anyone kind is masking evil and anyone walking around defeated is a kindred spirit who they can join forces with to wreak havoc on kind people in order to be the majority. Ever heard someone say “well everyone seems to leave you, you are the common denominator, so you’re the problem”, or “you seem to be the common denominator,” or “if it was just one or two people I wouldn’t be so concerned, but three or more people makes me tend to believe them over you.” — critical spirits like birds of a feather flock together, they target and destroy people and others perspective of you too. They seek to anhiliate you and devour you and anyone else who is like you. Plaguing the minds of those who fall prey to gossip and enjoy the dark pleasures of sabotage. It’s scary and best to distance one’s self from someone who is critical. Observe and distance yourself.

This is not the spirit of Jesus Christ. By their fruits you will know them. A self deprecator, a self saboteur who likes to sabotage others, someone who is the greatest victim of all, a victim of everything and everyone. Never holds themselves accountable, never takes responsibility for specific behaviors. Always blames, shames and points the finger at others. They even blame others for their own behaviors and feelings. They cannot sit with themselves, the hide who they are behind their ego of justification. God loves you and will help you open your eyes if you feel critical at times. You can let go of that critical view and embrace the freedom in Jesus Christ! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Deconstruction

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Deconstruction”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post

Paraphrased and shortened original post to maintain anonymity of original poster.

She elaborates on how she has been praying for her husband and then realizes that the way he views issues such as sex, intimacy and m*sterb*tion are incorrect and unhealthy. She feels she too male harbor false beliefs regarding these really important topics. She is concerned she is doing the same thing he is doing and wants to ensure she’s is living in alignment with the truth. She wants to make sure she herself is not holding onto lies just because they reinforce how she is feeling. She desires to live in truth and unlearn false beliefs that are influencing her thoughts and feelings.

My Response

You have shown great wisdom in this post. When I began my “unlearning” is what I called it… I began to realize that although I had false beliefs and areas that had just been impressed upon me by my family of origin or those I esteemed to be wise and authorities in my life, and even though some of it didn’t make sense, I still held onto beliefs that were not really true.

It’s called having two or more opposing beliefs at the same time, and leaning toward the one that gives the most. Ie — we experience hurt by our husband – one thought and belief is he’d never hurt me, the other is he has harmed me because I deserve it because I sinned in the past and God is punishing me, another is my husband is showing me how he cares for me with his actions…… the one that I gave into myself was the middle one, because it felt in my eyes more acceptable and less painful even for God to be punishing me instead of my husbands behavior to be a indicator to his level of care for me..

I had to humble myself before God and really question my beliefs, asking Him to search my heart and begin meditating on the truth.

God cal neighbor, however, that does not mean we should not have boundaries. God also told us not to eat with treacherous men. Loving someone and holding them to firm boundaries can happen simultaneously. That is what I’ve learned too, the power of AND. The ability for two things to exist at once that do not oppose the other and having emotional and spiritual congruency within myself.

It takes a lot of alone time with God, crying out to God and really falling to pieces at His feet.

Unlearning false beliefs about who you are and your identity, who God is and who he is to you. Learning about Gods character and how He alone is the God of your life. Slowly and gently stepping into the idea of what it would be like to view others the way God views them. That part takes time and patience. Praying for wisdom and discernment, because having wisdom is great, however not knowing how to implement the wisdom can pose difficulties. I recommend taking a step back from your situation and asking God to search your heart, don’t judge yourself, seek answers with curiosity and gentleness and love for yourself Gods creation.

I find it to be the most precious relationship with God, once I began living in alignment with who I am in Christ and with the amount of understanding God has allowed me of who He is, it’s been a really powerful experience to unlearn the limiting beliefs of God and who I am in Christ…. And be filled with the peace and joy, even in the midst of circumstances in my marriage that I have no control over.

God took my brokenness and made me whole in Him. Brokenness being double minded (insecurity, egoism, fear of punishment) — the Bible tells us love casts out fear, the Bible also tells us God is love, the Bible also tells us love is patient, love is kind, love is gentle. The Bible tells us that God created all things. And that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Knowing these truths, understanding these truths to be evident and permeate your mind and root deep seeded belief barrier, it will change your life completely. Living in truth is hard and when you can let go of double minded behavior of your insecurities and ego and fear of “punishment”, you will be free to live like Christ, living in Christ, and be filled with the peace that passeth all understanding.

God loves you and your husband, however that love does not dismiss the earthly consequences of sin and it also requires repentance to enter the gates of heaven.

Gods love is unconditional. Being forgiven is unconditional. However a lot of people get that confused with someone’s willingness to repent and accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. To be like Christ is to have love unconditionally, but only allowing access to those who are repentant and not living in active indulgence of sin. God made a way to protect women when the man chooses treacherous behavior instead of protecting and loving the wife of his youth.

God loves you and adores you and wants you to know that you are precious and He will not leave you nor forsake you and He will complete the good work He is doing in you. Your eyes are opening to your own possible false beliefs, and that is really a great thing. Be mindful though, simply because you’ve sinned or have harbored false beliefs, be cautious not to justify your husbands sins and beliefs as a result that you too have had them. It’s possible your husband has not done the deep dive you’re about to do into your deep beliefs and that is something you can’t really force someone into doing. You’re about to heal a lot and God will reveal through your healing, and you will find the time between healing can be a lonely time as not many are walking that same path to living in truth.

Just know, you are not alone. Much love to you as you begin your unlearning journey and rooting yourself in truth!

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author and finisher of our faith and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your desire to learn truth will be revealed by Him. God gives us understanding in His timing. Understanding the truth of who you are in Christ, who He is to you and how He loves you. Meditating on the truth with free you of the burden of “keeping thing together” and “looking the part”, “being a certain way” and “looking like a Christian”, versus having an actual intimate relationship with God. I want to encourage you to have grace with yourself, don’t dismiss your experiences simply because someone “has it worse”, your experiences and feelings are valid and real. Live in the confidence knowing that in Jesus Christ is where lies your true identity, not in other peoples opinions or definitions! You are enough and God loves ALL of you! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Boundaries

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Boundaries”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post

She has been monitoring her husbands activity via restrictive apps and other methods as he is suppose to be in recovery from pornography consumption. She wants to know if there is a way to check to see if he has been using incognito on chrome.

My Response

I too once thought I had to live a life of management of my husbands activity, making sure he didn’t stray, making sure he didn’t tarnish our family or cause a “unhealthy” decision or better yet, choose what he wants for his life even.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing all of this devastating reality that your husband is choosing to live a life outside of what God intended for him, but it’s his life and trying to manage a grown man is going to drive you crazy, make you feel like it’s your responsibility to “protect and nurture” him back to health and even feel like somehow you’re responsible for his issues, like you have to fix him and if you choose to walk away you aren’t honoring your “in sickness and health” vow when you got married. The reality here is his choice to continue to betray you has already put you on a position of sickness yourself, sick with worry, sick with fear, sick with angst, sick with doubt, sick sick sick! That sickness is your responsibility, your sickness is your responsibility, while his sickness is his responsibility. When you marry someone its not a death sentence, he’s abused the sanctity of your marriage and your trust.

You can forgive him and walk away to honor yourself and God and if you have children. Enabling his behavior by spear heading the campaign to manage him just isn’t your purpose in life though. God didn’t create you so that you could manage brians search history on Google. I inserted a random name for kicks and giggles.

I say you are having a gut feeling and what then? And your gut is screaming at you. You’ve made the decision to bare knuckle it, grin and bare it, choose to stay and lock him up and manage everything he does. What type of life is that, what type of quality life is that? Do y’all even have fun together, is y’all’s relationship so transactional that monitoring his every move isn’t considered a bit excessive?

What then though? Do you have a plan for if you find something, or does that just mean you have a good talking to and a punishment of some sort? You find something or you don’t. What do we do with that information? Do you believe staying with him is going to be the right call either way? If so, why does it matter if he was on incognito or not. At some point you have to ask yourself, why.

Why go to all this trouble if you plan to stay anyways? Why even search and have all the restrictions and manage a grown man like this. This is not what marriage should be like. This is not how healthy grown adults live. I’m not preaching at you, I was there too girl. I was there. I had to say no, I will mot manage you, I will not babysit you, I will mot take responsibility for you. You are a grown man who already had a mommy, I am not your mommy and I need to seek God, this was not what God intended when he created the union of marriage. We all know that, but why then do we tolerate it. Why are we complicit in the sense that we are not really prepared to enforce the boundaries that we done or going to separate, instead we just plan to live a life of hostage and criminal. It’s bonkers, I was there for 8 years, and so I’m just rambling a bit, but I would highly recommend you stop focusing on him and focus on yourself. You are so important and while he’s doing whatever, no one is focusing on you and taking care of you. Take care of you and seek Gods purpose in all this for your life. Let your husband be accountable to God.

Much love and grain of salt! Only my opinions. ☺️🫂

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Commenter Response —

Hannah Esther “I absolutely love your reply, and read every single word, and it was the best advice”

Commenter Response

Commenter Response —

Hannah Esther “so what would boundaries look like with a man like that, if he is not trustworthy with the phone/integrity?”

Commenter response

My Response —

Great question. That is really up to you or whoever. Boundaries are so difficult, because the consequence if the boundaries are crossed are the real test if you have boundaries. Enforcing them is the hardest part. When we love someone, it stems from our love for ourselves, and our ability to honor ourselves for us to truly love them. If we don’t enforce boundaries or even understand what healthy boundaries are and who they are for, we cannot honor ourselves or them really.

Universal truth – You are not responsible for their feelings and behaviors.

Universal truth – You are responsible for your feelings and behaviors.

Your boundaries are for you. They aren’t demands for another person for starters.

Hannah Esther

This was something that took me so long to grasp. Boundaries are my edges of acceptance. Before my boundaries are crossed is where grace lives for communication errors, after my boundaries are crossed, is when I will do for myself what is necessary to honor my body, my life and my integrity to keep my own promises to myself.

In a nutshell, to enforce my boundaries is to not betray myself.

Hannah Esther

Before I can provide example boundaries. It’s first very important to understand what your boundaries even are, what’s important to you, what’s a non negotiable, what you want your relationship agreement to consist of and what direction you would want your relationship to grow into, what you deem as acceptable vs unacceptable behavior and define who you want to be, how you want to show up for yourself. Alignment with yourself is your very first relationship (aside from God), honoring yourself, being at peace with yourself and taking responsibility for your feelings and choices in life.

We are the designers of our life, that can be a depressing thought or it can also be the most empowering. When you grasp these truths for yourself and grow in your values and principles for your life and begin taking ownership for your choices and not blame others and their horrid behavior for why you do what you do, you will find that they are not your responsibility. You are.

That being said. Depending on your lifestyle choice and values and principles, let’s start with a universal healthy boundary.

  • I am whole and will not disrespect myself. (Remember these boundaries are for you, not a demand on anyone else’s life, we are not going to force anyone to “obey” us)

enforce by – excusing yourself from those who disrespect you. (We do not ask people to respect us, who they are choosing to be is their choice, we observe and act accordingly. What you accept is what will continue and by design only get worse)

  • I am not willing to compromise my morals and integrity for convenience.

enforce by – excusing yourself from alliances with someone who is baiting you to compromise your integrity and morals. Removing yourself from situations where you would have to betray yourself to “keep the peace”. Even if that means saying goodbye to someone I love dearly and it breaks my heart to know they would rather choose to harm me than honor me, so I must respectfully honor myself and say goodbye or nothing at all and go.

I know not everyone is able to to leave their situations right when they realize they’ve been lied to for years and their bamboozled reality is so crushing and harrowing that they are barely able to fathom what’s even happening, however practicing and implementing honoring yourself starts today, and it’s never too late to begin.

Nutshell, she would have to first find where she begins and where she ends. Something that often happens in these situations that are harrowing, is enmeshment. We become so invested in fixing that we forget, we are not them and we have a responsibility to ourselves to remembering that they are making choices for their life. And when someone does that, it’s not a sign to jump in and begin living their life for them, it’s a sign that they have different desires for the trajectory of their life and its up to you to choose if you want to align with their trajectory or excuse yourself from the path they are choosing to live actively in.

Much love on your journey! ♥️🫂

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! God is the author of boundaries and I encourage you to get to know Him and His heart. God has given us the tools we need to embrace Him and live a life of abundance in Jesus Christ. You will find as you seek Him, and he is your first focus, your boundaries for what and who you allow into your life will increase with quality. I hope this finds you well. Live in the confidence that is your true identity! You are enough! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Manipulation

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Manipulation”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!! I’ve also added another permanent section called Language for Behavior at the bottom before the list of resources!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post

Basic info: OP (original poster) is in a 6 month relationship with boyfriend. He told her history about a female that he has met randomly at times at a bar who’s tried numerous times to match with him (his words) on dating apps and he was never interested in her. All of which occurred prior to them dating op & bf. OP came accords this girls insta and noticed her bf has been liking recent photos. Now she is trying to assess the possibilities.

  • Cheating – is he stepping out with her.
  • Manipulation – is he using this other girls interest in him as a way to incite feelings of competition in his gf, ultimately trying to get her obsessing over him and what not. Ie “Playing games”.
  • Cake and eat it too – doesn’t actually plan to be w the other girl, but loves the option and feeds her a bread crumb of attention in the form of a “like” every now and then to make sure she knows he’s still around. She doesn’t even have to talk to him for his ego to be stroked. His internal dialogue is already feeding that ego based on his assumptions.
  • She’s got a gut feeling that something is off – he has placed her in a situation that has her questioning things that should not need to be questioned. Too much is in the air and unaddressed. DTR (define the relationship) would show that an accurate assessment of both of their expectations within a committed relationship does not align and thus she is experiencing the aftershock of the tectonic plates shifting. Hence the gut feeling that something is off. They have different definitions of commitment. Which is okay, and is something important to define early on to eliminate wasted time.

All of which has led her to realize that regardless of what he is choosing, she has taken responsibility for her life and has decided to leave him. He is interested in a type of attention she cannot provide and that is okay for him, and she recognizes that and giving him back to find someone who will tolerate his divided attention. There is a lot more to the story, however, to share would provide to much detail personal to the OP. I wish her well.

My Response

If you feel this strongly about it, I’d recommend assessing your attachment to him. Would it benefit you to confront him and ask why? Would he be reasonable to talk to and not shift blame onto you? Or should this be considered a non negotiable for you. I’d think that’s something you will need to navigate from within yourself.

I can see how this would seem sus if he’s shown betraying behavior in the past and you’ve let things slide (benefit of the doubt) and this just happen to be the thread that breaks the camels back. But alone, it doesn’t scream guilty of anything other than face value he said there is nothing between them on a romantic level, but he does hype her when she posts photos or stuff.

Grain of salt, I like peoples stuff of the opposite sex with no intent to be romantic, I’ve also not made any mixed signal advances or attention attempts for my ego. So, it’s safe to know that it can be done. Now him knowing the girl has liked him and tried matching with him and he thought it was a good idea to clue you in on the useless info is triggering because what was his motive in providing you with this information. This feels like the onset of getting you to feel some kind of way and usually it causes someone to be provoked into hyper fixation, which on a non conscious level deepens our emotional investment in the given situation.

Honestly, I would assess his intent with sharing this useless info with you and once you have come to terms on his motive either with his knowledge or not, you should distance yourself to reflect on if he’s trying incite in you the feral desire in women of competition and if that’s the case, he’s manipulating you.

Just be ware, this other girl liking your man is a compliment, him elaborating on it could be him manipulating you and that’s the real red flag. Hidden but in plain sight.

Much love to you. I would not hyper fixate on this girl or him liking her photos, I would begin paying attention to what info he shares with you and find his motive and assessing if it’s manipulation to incite specific emotions in you.

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

OP Response —

Hannah Esther such great insight in to the subconscious (or maybe even conscious) ways he could be manipulating me.

Maybe you can help me understand… if he has known she likes him and yet he didn’t pursuing anything with her, why like her pics? … and I’m talking before him and I were in a relationship. To me … to tease or intentionally lead her on? Something actually did happen between them and he has lied to be about it? Other?

My Response to OP —

thank you.

I believe you are not over reacting! I believe you are asking reasonable questions and are invested in the truth.

Hypothetical, now as for the possible reason in keeping someone that you know likes you at arms length and not entertaining a committed relationship with is strongly indicative of an ego boost or narc supply. Him liking her photos gives him the possible security of giving her bread crumb attention for in the event he needs emergency supply/ego boost. She has made him believe hypothetically that she’s a slam dunk and if he just says the word, she’s on him like white on rice. This is all a hypothetical, and I have in my time kept boys strung along that I had no intention of being with, but them wanting me with me not having to invest into them and them accepting my occasional bread crumb of attention stroked my ego (it’s quite toxic really, I was a teen doing this behavior).

The possibility of him manipulating you into feeling specific emotions usually works to created a triangulation of sorts. He gets his supply backup, her simply existing is a trickle supply and you being fed the info that she may be a threat will incite in anyone the need to investigate. Hence us talking now.

How does all this sound?

There was more responses, however I placed the end result in the foot of the OP Section to shorten this as it’s quite long.

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a profound topic. It can go undetected for decades and the side effects of being manipulated are enormous! So many lives altered based on fabrications. It’s gutting really loving a life with someone who manipulates. It’s devastating the longer you’re deceived in it, and the day you have clarity, it’s like a great awakening. And unravel. All your memories begin to unfold of ick gut feelings you suppressed because you felt you were over reacting or someone told you that you were over thinking it. Its radical the havoc that being manipulated wreaks on your life, your mind, your body and your relationship with God. It takes all your energy and all your joy. It robs you of your time and blames you for its existence. When someone wields this weapon of mass destruction against you, it’s usually laced with a caring smile or a “I love you” to fill the void that would exist if they didn’t fill the air with their deceptive manipulative tactics to keep you strung along, feeding their ego. They are the vultures of the living, preying on those who love unapologetically. Annihilating good peoples character to hide their evil intentions and gain peoples pity. The have to suck everyone dry to feel an ounce of wholeness, since they are shallow holes of people. This is an extreme sounding experience, because that’s what manipulation looks like after it’s done with you. (It’s never really done). No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Why Finding Clarity Is Challenging

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Why Finding Clarity Is Challenging”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Original Post Is Public and Worth Watching!

Betrayal Trauma Recovery posted

06/15/2022

Yes there is a reason for his behaviors, however, understanding the source of his porn use or anger (shame, trauma, personality disorders, addiction, etc.) doesn’t make a significant difference in how those behaviors affect you. Seeking the source won’t empower you to stop it or heal from the trauma – it only keeps you in harm’s way. Instead, spend your energy on getting to safety using healthy boundaries.

“Remember, clarity isn’t an endpoint; it’s a process. With every word, you’re one step closer to shedding light on your experiences.”

Hannah Esther

Commenter (A) Response

Yes…. However. Desperately seeking clarity and validation in a chaotic situation is 100% human and normal, especially if dealing with gaslighting and flying monkeys. Just a word of caution because telling someone to stop seeking answers can come across like things they have heard while experiencing abuse or that their experience doesn’t matter. Definitely point towards safety first. But telling someone to stop seeking answers takes a lot more nuance and care before that’s going to make sense, and only makes sense after safety has been established. My two cents. ✌️

Like a sculptor shaping clay, language molds our understanding of behaviors, chiseling away the excess to reveal the clear contours of our reality.

Hannah Esther

My Response

Definitely agree. Because 2 months ago, the word abuse made my skin crawl. Shame for even thinking it, would engulf me. Fear of what people would think… if I used that word to describe anything… so I don’t, I don’t even say that word still. Such a delicate issue and the more covert and crazy making it is, the harder it is to accept that it’s even abuse to begin with. ♥️

Your two cents are appreciated by someone like me, who is still just trying to accept reality.

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Commenter (B): instead of the word abuse, maybe using “unsafe” in its place might help.

My Response: I love that. Doesn’t make me feel overwhelmed haha – thank you.

Commenter (A): yesss! Being able to discern the truth of your experience and start rejecting all the coping mechanisms like years of “benefit of the doubt” or accepting false guilt etc. Having language that describes the truth with terms and definitions stops the world from spinning and the ground from shifting beneath your feet. Also knowing there are others out there who have experienced the same things (again only recognized by definitions of experience) starts to reveal that your own behavior is not the cause.

also “toxic”

My Response: I completely agree! Earlier this year I felt swallowed up in shame and guilt and knowing nothing about language that describes or even that others were experiencing the same things.

I literally just thought this was normal.

After seeing Natalie Hoffmans post on Facebook, literally describe majority of what I’m experiencing. I was baffled. Went to her podcast and have been slowly rewiring my brain and beliefs as a result of her amazing way of breaking things down so gently.

One of the things I’ve realized through all this, I need gentle. I shut down with harsh. So, I feel very blessed to have found Natalie and so many others who speak the truth that’s so difficult to fathom.

Commenter (A): And is necessary. Understanding what happened is critical for restoring your life.

Why Finding Clarity Is Challenging

Finding clarity can be challenging due to the complexity of our thoughts, emotions, and external influences. Our minds are often filled with distractions, doubts, and conflicting information, making it difficult to gain a clear perspective. Additionally, personal biases, fear of uncertainty, and the fast-paced nature of modern life can further hinder the process of achieving mental clarity.

Finding clarity becomes even more challenging when emotional factors are involved, such as being unable to use the word “abuse” to describe one’s experiences. This can stem from feelings of shame, guilt, or a lack of understanding about what constitutes abuse. The struggle to articulate and come to terms with such experiences can cloud one’s ability to see the situation clearly and seek the support needed to heal and move forward.

Language is incredibly valuable in the challenge of finding clarity because it provides a structured way to describe behaviors and experiences. When individuals can accurately label and articulate their feelings and situations, it helps them make sense of their thoughts and emotions. Describing behaviors with precise language allows for a deeper understanding of what’s happening, enabling individuals to identify patterns, causes, and effects. This, in turn, empowers them to seek appropriate help, communicate with others effectively, and work towards resolution and healing.

Your journey towards clarity is a testament to your resilience. With each word you speak, you carve a path through the fog of confusion.

Hannah Esther

Language for Behavior

Let’s talk about the power of language in building strong boundaries and gaining clarity!

  1. Manipulative Behavior: When someone consistently tries to control or influence your decisions and emotions for their benefit, without considering your feelings or needs.
  2. Gaslighting: When someone distorts or denies reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
  3. Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly, often through sarcasm, silent treatment, or subtle actions.
  4. Isolation: Deliberately cutting you off from friends, family, or other sources of support to gain control over you.
  5. Undermining: Consistently diminishing your achievements, opinions, or capabilities to erode your self-esteem.
  6. Neglect: Failing to provide emotional, physical, or psychological care and support, leading to feelings of abandonment.
  7. Bullying: Engaging in repetitive aggressive behavior to assert power and dominance over you, causing emotional distress.
  8. Intimidation: Using threats, verbal abuse, or body language to make you feel frightened and submissive.
  9. Exploitation: Taking advantage of your vulnerabilities or resources for personal gain, often without regard for your well-being.
  10. Control: Exerting excessive influence over your actions, decisions, or freedom, limiting your autonomy.
  11. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your feelings, thoughts, or experiences, causing self-doubt and confusion.

Using these specific terms can help individuals accurately communicate their experiences and feelings, which is a crucial step in gaining clarity and seeking the necessary support or resolution.

  1. Verbal Aggression: Engaging in hostile language, insults, or yelling that causes emotional harm and distress.
  2. Withholding Information: Intentionally keeping important information from you to maintain control or manipulate your decisions.
  3. Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or engage in conversations, which can lead to frustration and a lack of resolution.
  4. Guilt-Tripping: Using guilt or manipulation to make you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or actions.
  5. Conditional Love: Expressing affection only when certain conditions are met, creating insecurity and dependence.
  6. Silent Treatment: Ignoring you or refusing to communicate as a form of punishment or control.
  7. Minimization: Downplaying the seriousness of a situation or your feelings, making it difficult to validate your experiences.
  8. Boundary Violation: Ignoring or crossing your personal boundaries, leading to discomfort and a sense of violation.
  9. Projection: Assigning your own negative feelings or traits onto someone else to avoid acknowledging them in yourself.

Defining these behaviors can help individuals recognize and articulate their experiences more clearly.

  1. Deflection: Shifting the focus of a conversation away from the topic at hand, often to avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions.
  2. Selective Memory: Choosing to remember or forget certain details in a way that serves one’s narrative or intentions.
  3. Escalation: Intentionally intensifying conflicts or disagreements to manipulate the situation or gain control.
  4. False Promises: Making commitments with no intention of following through, leading to disappointment and mistrust.
  5. Blame-Shifting: Holding you responsible for problems or issues that are actually caused by the other person’s actions.
  6. Discrediting: Undermining your credibility or reputation to prevent others from taking your perspective seriously.
  7. Double Standards: Applying different sets of rules or expectations to different people, causing feelings of inequality and injustice.
  8. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming you with excessive attention, compliments, or gifts initially, only to later use these gestures for manipulation.
  9. Microaggressions: Subtle and often unintentional actions or comments that convey prejudice or discrimination.
  10. Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to withdraw love, support, or care to control your behavior or decisions.

Using these terms to describe behaviors can help individuals pinpoint specific actions that may be contributing to their lack of clarity. This awareness can empower them to assess their situation objectively, communicate effectively, and make informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, or taking steps towards personal growth and resolution.

  1. Triangulation: Involving a third party in conflicts or discussions to manipulate perceptions or gain an advantage.
  2. Cycle of Abuse: Recognizing the repeating pattern of tension-building, explosion, reconciliation, and honeymoon phases in an abusive relationship.
  3. Victim-Blaming: Holding you responsible for the negative consequences of the other person’s behavior, shifting the blame onto you.
  4. Coercion: Using pressure, threats, or manipulation to force you into actions or decisions you’re uncomfortable with.
  5. Invalidation: Dismissing or belittling your emotions, experiences, or perspective, leading to self-doubt and confusion.
  6. Negotiation Tactics: Utilizing manipulation or emotional tactics during discussions to sway the outcome in one’s favor.
  7. Passive Compliance: Going along with requests or demands to avoid conflict or negative repercussions, even if you’re uncomfortable.
  8. Scapegoating: Blaming you for problems or difficulties within a group or relationship, often unfairly.
  9. Hostile Humor: Using sarcasm or humor to demean or ridicule you, under the guise of joking.
  10. Controlled Disclosure: Sharing selective information to maintain power, withholding key details to manipulate the situation.

This understanding is essential for making informed decisions about seeking help, setting boundaries, and ultimately prioritizing their well-being.

  1. Mental Manipulation: Using psychological tactics to influence your thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.
  2. Exploitative Promises: Offering rewards, benefits, or positive outcomes to manipulate your behavior or compliance.
  3. Disengagement: Avoiding communication or emotional connection as a way to control the relationship or situation.
  4. Normalization of Harm: Downplaying or justifying harmful behavior to make it seem acceptable or typical.
  5. Selective Amnesia: Conveniently forgetting previous promises, commitments, or agreements.
  6. Emotional Withholding: Refusing to provide emotional support, affection, or validation as a means of control.
  7. Intentional Confusion: Deliberately creating unclear or contradictory situations to keep you off-balance.
  8. Conditional Approval: Granting approval, affection, or attention only when certain conditions are met.
  9. Dismissive Attitude: Ignoring your concerns, opinions, or emotions, causing you to feel insignificant.
  10. Overstepping Boundaries: Ignoring your personal limits or disregarding your consent, leading to discomfort and violation.

I pray these behavioral identifiers will provide clarity to you and empower you to address issues, set healthy boundaries, and make choices that prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! This is such a important topic to me! I’m passionate about words, language and transparency. We are beautiful creations and should be protected. God gave us the tools to do just that. With wisdom and discernment we can heed the truth and use the tools we have to arm ourselves in preparation for battle. We must first know how to define many of the invisible tactics used to harm us and our loved ones. Behaviors seem normal when you’ve become used to it. However, when you begin to see that it’s pattern is destructive and draining you of your life force, you will see it in a new light. I was unable to call many things abuse for a long time, because all that I was experiencing was all I’d ever known, it was normal for me and harmful all the same. May you find safety, to then embrace clarity and find healing. Mourn the losses and grieve the truth, take time and be gentle with yourself, it will not be a fast process, and know that you are worth every moment of healing! No matter where you are at on your journey, God loves you and is with you right where you are! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

The Story of Lisa McVey

This movie.

I wanted to be the first person Bobby Joe Long saw, unfortunately, he didn’t open his eyes.

Lisa McVey

God has shown me the only way to really be free when someone bestows injustice against you is complete forgiveness, my life changed forever and for the better. I chose not to remain a victim. I chose to live.

Lisa McVey

I wanted to look Bobby Joe Long in the eye.

Lisa McVey

One of the markers of my childhood was that no one would believe me. Although I don’t have story like this particular one, this shows the degradation and depletion of life in someone who isn’t believed. I will always believe my child and none of their life choices will ever put me in a position to dismiss or disregard what they say.

This movie shows an extreme example of that disregard and the lack of protection by all adults closest to her. The trauma and impact to her life as a result is unfathomable. Just crippling to see someone experience such tragedy at the hands of those in the position to protect them. She lives a life no one should experience.

No matter how small or great, if my child feels something, I believe her. Sees something I believe her. Is hurt I believe her. I believe her.

It’s our responsibility to protect our children emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. When we do this we bring wholeness and character flourishes within then, the idea that someone who has lied isn’t also an honest person is false. There are many honest wholesome people who has lied. Everyone should have a voice to speak and be heard and seen and believed. No matter how unbelievable or outlandish it is.

I believe you. I will always believe my girls. It took 3 cops not believing her to get to the 4th who took her seriously and started by saying I believe you to solve the case not only to catch her attacker, but to catch their serial killer. It took someone believing a young girl who from some peoples perspective was just trying to get attention of out partying. Even if she was any of those, even she was partying, trying to run away, trying to get attention. It would not be justification for her concerns and claims to be dismissed, ignored and treated like a tall tale. This is a great movie and a strong example of the realities so many women face in the midst of an unbelievable situation. To believe someone is the deepest form of connection you can muster. To hear someone is deepest for of respect. And to see someone is the deepest form of acceptance. We are in our core innately wanting and desiring connection, acceptance and respect. We start by believing them, hearing them and seeing them. However, we cannot do all of that unless we can do that to ourselves. We can only believe others to the extent we believe ourself (honest w ourself), we can only hear others to the extent we hear ourself (tune out the self talk assumptions of what we think others think of us, and listen to who we really are based on our intrinsic worth), and we can only see others to the extent we can see ourself (taking the blinders of our shame of the past, stopping our self condemning and begin our self love through the lens of compassion for ourselves and gentleness for our precious 8 year old self, 12 year old self, 15 year old self, 18 year old self and so forth, loving each and every version of ourselves through the years and telling her you love her and believe her).

To really grasp and accept someone where they are at and meet them in that place, we must first be able to grasp ourselves and meet ourselves right where we are at, accepting who we are, what we have chosen in our life to get where we are and align ourselves with who we want to be. To believe someone stems from our own ability to believe in ourselves. All of this is so powerful and empowering and I feel so strongly about it.

I know it’s a lot.

I just want you to know I believe you and I love you. This movie is worth watching, triggering, but worth watching.

(Rape is taking masculinity and instead of using it to protect and love with the natural instinct to passionately love in a consensual and aggressive manner, it is the corruption of taking what is not yours in a forceful insecure manner. Those who rape people of the dignity, innocence and exploit their vulnerability are projecting all their own insecurities onto the one being raped. They are cowards and do not want to be healthy masculine men, who use their masculinity to protect and cover, but to power over and exploit. It’s sick and sad and deserves to be castrated from existence)(I have come to terms with why rape porn is so popular along with the odd desire in many women I know including myself to be “raped consensually” ie cnc is what it’s called… consent non consent, because it is in the category of the primal mating passion between two who are vigorously involved with one another, rape culture is devastating and not healthy. Because it takes what is a natural desire to be engulfed in a passionate companionship and instead brings shame, power and control into the mix where it does not belong. Anyone who rapes someone of choice, the truth and then blames them for it, is a coward and does not deserve to have a choice in the repercussions or consequences.)

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Invest In Yourself!!

More Resources

My Response Series | Small Talk

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Small Talk”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Small Talk

The original post was short and simply said they don’t like small talk and don’t like dealing with people and they don’t trust them. I wanted to focus on small talk and I have breakdown below as well as to the benefit of small talk.

My Response

Small talk is definitely a learned skill and can be frustrating when we’ve lived with toxic know it all’s who don’t give you the opportunity to hone that skill. Living in survival mode makes small talk feel less important to the process of developing relationships. We all had to crawl before we ran, it’s a step in the process and looking up some steps on how to step out of survival and into you’re thriving life, and empower yourself to be curious. Small talk will become a bigger deal and vital to your growth. ♥️ fyi I felt the same for a long time. It wasn’t until I threw away my whole life full of degrading people who had limiting and dismissive world views that freed me to explore my true power!!

Much love as you find yours!

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Small Talk

Let’s talk about the power of small talk in building strong relationships!

Small talk often gets a bad rap, but it plays a crucial role in developing deeper connections with others. Those initial casual conversations can be the gateway to meaningful friendships and connections that last a lifetime. Here’s why small talk matters:

Breaking the ice: Small talk acts as a friendly introduction, helping to break down barriers and create a comfortable atmosphere. It paves the way for more significant conversations by establishing a foundation of familiarity and trust.

Building rapport: Engaging in small talk allows us to discover shared interests, hobbies, and experiences. Finding common ground creates a sense of camaraderie, making it easier to connect on a deeper level later on.

Showing genuine interest: By asking questions and actively listening during small talk, we demonstrate our curiosity and concern for others. This genuine interest fosters empathy and strengthens the bond between individuals.

Creating a positive atmosphere: Small talk can brighten someone’s day and create a positive environment. It’s a chance to exchange pleasantries, share anecdotes, and bring a smile to someone’s face. These positive interactions contribute to a foundation of goodwill in relationships.

Remember, while small talk may seem trivial at first, it serves as the stepping stone towards meaningful connections. So, don’t underestimate the power of those initial conversations. Embrace the opportunity to engage in small talk, and who knows, it might lead to wonderful relationships that enrich your life!

Little Deeper

Small talk can serve as a valuable tool in preventing manipulation, particularly in situations where narcissists tend to skip the initial stages and rush into intimate conversations. Here’s how small talk helps protect against manipulation.

Establishing boundaries: Small talk allows you to set boundaries and control the flow of personal information. By keeping conversations light and casual, you can gradually reveal details about yourself at a pace that feels comfortable and safe. This helps prevent oversharing and gives you time to assess the other person’s intentions.

Testing for reciprocity: Engaging in small talk helps you gauge the level of reciprocity in a relationship. Healthy interactions involve both parties sharing and showing genuine interest in each other’s lives. If someone is consistently skipping small talk and focusing solely on themselves, it may indicate a lack of reciprocity and potentially manipulative behavior.

Evaluating consistency: Small talk provides an opportunity to observe consistency in a person’s words and actions. Pay attention to whether their behavior aligns with what they say during casual conversations. Inconsistent or contradictory behavior can be a red flag for manipulation or deceit.

Building trust incrementally: Trust takes time to develop, and small talk allows for gradual trust-building. By starting with non-intimate topics, you can observe how the other person handles conversations, respects boundaries, and shows genuine interest. This gradual process helps identify potential manipulative tactics and safeguards against being love-bombed or rushed into an intense relationship.

Remember, while small talk may seem insignificant, it serves as an important filtering mechanism. It helps you assess the intentions and behaviors of others, allowing you to build healthier, more authentic connections while protecting yourself against manipulation.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy some small talk! ♥️

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.

My Response Series | Dating – What does it mean?

Hey! My name is Hannah! I have begun a series where I provide you with responses I give in some of the fb groups I am in. As they are private groups, I don’t share what the original post says verbatim, but the general topic of discussion, I do share that for context. I’m excited to share this response with you. The topic of discussion is “Dating – What does it mean?”. I hope this is an encouragement to you who may be going through this type of confusion and need clarity, as well as insight to those who are trying to support their friend. I would like to encourage you to consider joining fb groups to support you and find a sisterhood of likeminded women! I have a list of resources at the bottom of this page! Tap here to skip to it!!

Add my Facebook page for updates and subscribe! – Facebook

Dating – What does it mean?

The original poster is curious on how to handle a dating situation. Scenario, she’s been talking to this guy for week and a half, met up for ice cream then went bowling, has developed a deep emotional connection in the short period of time, however, once they met she felt like something was missing, the “spark” and that she would not be perusing anything further as far as an intimate relationship. The guy responds the following day via text saying a plethora of things that I target in my response. Uses some spiritual sprinkles, insinuating she’s hurting herself by sabotaging her life and not trying non toxic men, some “nice guy” jargon, some emotionally charged articles, some cringy story about a female he said all these things too and achieved the emotional response anticipated. Just a lot to unpack and so the original poster is concerned she is making the wrong choice and wondering if she should continue with him to see where it goes instead of calling it quits.

My Response

I just want to say how proud I am that you are putting yourself out there and exploring. That is a huge step and a challenge you’ve risen to the occasion for. I’m going to encourage you to stand in your new experience with a perspective of curiosity instead of fear or judging yourself for a moment. Let’s not fear what anyone thinks about you or your decisions. Let’s only look at the experience from a curious mind and a curiosity for what it means for you and you alone, no one has a say here.

Now once you’ve established this and you know you are not judging yourself or being judged by anyone else. You can assess this person with the minds eye that you are a whole person, and have experienced traumatic situations in the past, but that experience from your past is less likely the reason you are not interested in furthering with this person. You had a great experience with this person and you feel it’s not a fit for your long term goals for a serious intimate relationship and that is okay. You can have both, you can have a good experience and also not want to be with them. It doesn’t have to be “but”. It can be “and”. It doesn’t have to be because of trauma that you don’t want to continue the conversation, it can simply be you have a preference and that is it. I think digging deeper can be beneficial to your growth and healing, however, you took a huge step in simply putting yourself out there and was also highly honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like. I strongly suggest you lean into your intuition on the matter and trust yourself.

You should trust that it’s not as deep as he’s making it and it really is just cut and dry, you have enjoyed this experience and now you are moving forward. He will not be included in that moving forward and that is okay. You are not hurting yourself as he stated in his message and you are not sabotaging your life. He’s using a lot of terms that actually influence and cause someone to be groomed into questioning their choices and second guessing their resolve.

Be firm in your choice and make it profoundly clear. Be straight with your desires and goals and values and principles. He can psychoanalyze your decisions all he wants, however, him trying to create the narrative that you not choosing him is you sabotaging your life sounds more like a him issue than a you issue.

Now I’m no expert on dating or people, but I do know that we are responsible for our own life and him saying he is reaching out because he respects you, sending two articles to “prove a point” and then adding in a cute little story about a female friend who had an emotional moment and realization that she herself has been sabotaging her relationships, when he gave her this golden formula to life and the pursuit of not rejecting him…. He is really pushing the envelope in my opinion and likely has the false belief that if a girl says no to him it’s because she is attracted to toxic guys and doesn’t want a nice guy. Nice guy syndrome is a false belief most guys have to escape being accountable for their existence in situations. It can be a great experience and not be the person for you. It doesn’t have to be “she is sabotaging her life because she doesn’t want to be with me”…

Personally, I would just take a step back like I said in the beginning and just view everything from a place of curiosity and from a light hearted spirit. Y’all have only been talking for less than 2 weeks and he’s already sending you articles and creating narratives that don’t resemble your true motive or intent…Nothing is permanent in this life, we should be open to change and encourage it even. This person may not be so keen on accepting that you are just not that in to them even though you enjoyed yourself and for their own ego they have to create some off the wall narrative to help soothe their own insecurities or unhealed wounds, making you responsible or the issue instead of what’s actually happening.

Also, the spiritualizing zing in the beginning feels a bit ick to me. “Woman of God”… listing the icks real quick for summary… “I have been doing a lot of praying and reflection”…. “The idea of us not having a “spark” as you stated could be that you were attracted to a toxic person and that’s all you know”…. Biggest ick “explained that to my female friend and she cried….” 👀🚩

I feel like he is doing what my ex did by insighting emotions and trying to have someone take responsibility for something that is so generalized that it creates some type of emotional bond that gives them this perceived authority to say things and cause emotional moments of confusion or second guessing what you chose to do in your best interest. It’s so freaking subtle and I stayed with someone for 8 years not realizing it was all a means of control, on a atomic level. It’s really hard to tell when someone you feel connected to is manipulating you. I find his whole approach to be a huge misdirection and manipulation attempt to insight emotions in you or some type of reaction similar to female friend. Like he’s done this before.

That being said, whether you are sabotaging something or not is really irrelevant. You are your own person and someone you’ve know for less than 2 weeks should not be claiming this or even insinuating it, he clearly has gotten the idea from somewhere that he has some type of pull or authority of some sort and that to me is a red flag, like hidden entitlement. It would only be perceived as a caring person as that’s how he keeps reminding, but it’s too much, which begs the question. Do you even know female friend, and why does it matter how he made female friend cry unless that story was meant to make you feel like you’re making the wrong choice and you should pray and be like him…. I mean it could go in so many directions really. Intentions aside, you made your choice and I want to empower you to stand in your truth, stand in your gut feeling and stand in your principles and standards.

If the spark isn’t there, it’s not there. — let me add to this too. Spark is sometimes overlooked as being fickle or vain or skin deep, shallow or someone who doesn’t like quality but seeks desires and pleasure… all of which are highly false!! You have a preference to experience something a bit more along the lines of someone in different stature or difference of presence or difference of body shape or difference of approach, all of which are preferences. When a vibe isn’t present, it cannot be forced into being. It just can’t. When you vibe with someone it is really there. And I mean it may not be visible, but when your people are around, you know. It’s like a sensation, you can feel the authentic energy, you just mesh together and the value in that type of energy is real.

It’s worth saying thank you for good experiences and I’m going to keep moving forward.

We don’t have to stop and setup shop at every good experience and person. We can keep moving until we are ready to invest our whole energy into someone. We are worth that. You are worth listening to and accepting that you have experienced something and have decided a different direction. No hard feelings. It’s okay.

You don’t owe him an explanation and you don’t owe him more time to “convince you you’re making a sabotagy decision”. You are the creator of your life and if he feels the “idea that there is no spark” isn’t true — then that’s his experience and that’s okay for him. We can have different experiences even in the same room with someone. Does he fit into your long term goals for your future? If right now he doesn’t fit and it’s not there then more time won’t change that, usually more time reveals the pretenses more than increases a vibe or energy that was missing to begin with.

I want to encourage you to stand tall in your choice and don’t doubt your resolve!! Take this experience and move forward to new experiences! ♥️🙌🏼

Much love to you on your journey! 🫂

Additional Responses

If they respond, I will place my responses to them here.

Thank you for reading! I do hope this was insightful and encouraging! I think it’s so important to rest in your experiences and find peace in your choices. We are going to have amazing experiences with temporary people and that is a reality that’s hard to grasp. We should never feel obligated to be with someone simply because we had a good time. We should never feel obligated to stay with someone simply because we fear no one else will provide the [insert here] you’ve been missing your whole life. That would be you making decisions from a place of fear and scarcity! We should always make decisions in our best interest and never succumb to the feeling that we should drudge through because the status quo is that we “should” or else we “only want to be with toxic people” or “we are shallow” or “we are sabotaging our relationships”. All of which could be true, but that’s not for anyone to decide for your life. You get to choose where you are coming from and what your intentions are based on your values and principles that are in alignment with where you want to be in your life. Your long term goals and what is serving those goals to come to fruition. You are not a product of someone else’s thought life, they can think what they’d life. You are your own person, separate and whole from them and their thoughts or feelings. You do not owe anyone an explanation nor do you owe anyone your time or energy. You have to find what is meant for you in your life and it’s okay if someone who is super cool just isn’t a good fit for you. It has nothing to do with anyone being less than or unworthy of respect and love or that you are sabotaging your life or that your reason for not feeling a spark or energy vibe with someone is because you are used to toxic energy and so this “good” energy is confusing you… Just NO! That’s all a wild and excruciating process of “what can we blame”… let’s not. If the guy isn’t chill and respecting your choice to not move forward with them after a great time, then that’s how they feel and that’s okay, but for them to swing back and find “all the reasons” that it could be that you are choosing to reject them actually being a hidden deep seeded unhealed wound is just a red flag. Straight up red and flaming!! They have no chill and are likely coming from a place of ego or unhealed wound themselves. They should accept, maybe ask why and move forward themselves as a healthy well adjusted and emotionally intelligent person! I’m no dating expert, but I’m well versed in holding one’s self accountable and this ain’t it! Thank you again for spending time with me here and I hope you have a wonderful day and go experience some new things in life! ♥️

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Resources

More Resources

  • My Response Series | We Are All Here
    Remind yourself of who you are, you are your own mom. You get to love yourself through this, that sweet girl. That girl from 5 years ago, 10 years ago. The one you are protecting. The one from 20 years ago. We are all here. You are every version of yourself right now past present and future. And they love you and want you to know you are worth fighting for!!
  • My Response Series | “Why Didn’t You Protect Me From Yourself?”
    I can love my parents for who they are as human beings and Gods creation, while also recognizing the need to protect myself from their toxic behaviors by no longer allowing them access to me. Loving my parents and choosing to distance myself from them are not mutually exclusive. I’m honoring myself and them by protecting myself, with the form of love that I needed in childhood, by reparenting myself, this balance allows me to move forward with a sense of integrity and self-respect, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling life.
  • My Response Series | Love Bombing
    The “abuse” comes from the pattern: extreme positive stimulation followed by withdrawal, neglect, or return to baseline, leaving the target emotionally unbalanced. Even if the follow-up isn’t overtly hostile, the mismatch between the initial intensity and the later normalcy can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of emotional debt.. making it inherently manipulative
  • My Response Series | You Can’t Do It For Him
    Boundaries protect your peace. Let us teach ourselves and our children that real love shows up with consistency, not convenience.