Hey! I’m Hannah. Today the topic of discussion is disassociation. I have been wanting to touch on it a little and I may elaborate more later. However for now I felt this would be a great way to show my experience and how I am 3 years later and just now processing things that have happened in my life and how it’s impacted me. I feel like this is a different style than I usually write, and it’s very vulnerable. I did only share what I felt comfortable with sharing! Please be encouraged and know that you are not alone.
My experience with disassociation.
disconnection from physical and emotional experiences
Wiki
Dissociation as a concept that has been developed over time, is a wide array of experiences, ranging from a mild emotional detachment from the immediate surroundings, to a more severe disconnection from physical and emotional experiences. The major characteristic of all dissociative phenomena involves a detachment from reality, rather than a loss of reality as in psychosis.
I believe my experience triggered a type of detachment of sorts. It saved my life!
Hannah Esther
When I found out I was pregnant, got married, spent a year misdiagnosed with pancreatitis, had c section, had surgery to remove gal bladder, found cancer, had wisdom teeth removed, surgery to remove cancer in kidney along with my twelfth rib, 2 months later made decision w husband to leave my work at home job to be a full time mom, he left 2 weeks later and said he wanted a divorce, my daughters both got infantigo, he came back after 5 weeks thought it was an answered prayer, lost his job a week later, I had to work so much to pick up the slack, he was jobless for 6 months, went to marriage retreat, saw healthy couples for the first time, he took his mask off completely and never put it back on, June 3rd I told him to leave this marks the day I fully disassociated from him – it is a day of a death of sorts I have a photo that commemorates the day that I will post below, June 17th “oh it’s your birthday?”, June 19th Father’s Day “I think I need to leave to find out why I view our relationship so resentfully”, I said “I agree”. that was in the span of two years January 2020 to June 2022….. it’s now May 2023, 3 years from the beginning of this whirlwind and my life has slowed down tremendously, I have peace, I have a loving church family, and I spend every day with my daughters, I’m thankful for Gods deliverance. March 18th would have been 9 years, June 3rd will be 1 year free mentally and June 19th will be 1 year free physically. I’m just now processing all of this.. and it’s slow going. So when you’re in the thick of healing and struggling to get through the triggers and flashbacks, compassion for yourself goes a long way. You’ve been through a lot and you are precious and deserve love and compassion and gentleness. ♥️
my body was finally safe to come undone
Hannah Esther
He’d been so cruel and unreasonable and I’d been crying so hard that my face swelled up so bad. It was the last straw for me and something inside of me shut down. Just completely shut down and hasn’t come back to this day. I’d been so detached from my experiences for so long, when this one hit — it hit hard — and peace was all I felt and enormous fatigue. My body stored so much trauma it melted when he finally left. No more tension in the home and silent hate, my body was finally safe to come undone. So much love for this woman in this photo, she was doing the best she could and praise God for the shift that happened this day! Hardest decisions I’ve ever made.
I have peace
Hannah Esther
I believe disassociation became my way of unconsciously protecting myself from crumbling and dying in the midst of the storms that gutted me and left me for dead. Still there a little. Helps healing slowly. I am currently in the midst of healing the dissociative parts from the past, and as I do the flood of emotions and the pain in my body become quite overwhelming, so slow going is the way I’ve come to process everything. Mind you I only explained the last two years, I’m processing a bigger picture of childhood trauma as well as the whole of the 9 year relationship and soon to be 1 year separation, so there’s a lot to unpack.
Allow yourself, give yourself permission, I give you permission to just be!
Hannah Esther
Don’t beat yourself up for having hard days, in the bed days, staring at the wall days, frozen in time days, verbally processing days, do what you need to heal and don’t down play your healing! This is the season of rest! Allow yourself, give yourself permission, I give you permission to just be!
your beautiful soul is worth every moment of healing
Hannah Esther
Much love to you sweet friend, your beautiful soul is worth every moment of healing!! God sees you and hears you! Don’t despair in the pain and grief of healing. This sorrow will bring healing!! ♥️
Thank you for joining me here! I hope for this to be an encouragement. We all experience different things in life and I find it empowering to see others doing the hard work of healing. Much love to you in your healing journey!
The Family Treat 