Genuine Repentance vs Fake Repentance
Repeated exposure of chronic lies, hidden sexual addictions, unearthed financial indiscretions, and many other secret, deviant behaviors can knock a victim of psychological abuse off their feet, sending them tumbling down a proverbial rabbit hole time and time again. Except she isn’t Alice and her marriage is anything but Wonderland.
Jenn Nestler
The pattern of two steps forward and ten steps back is seemingly endless as the relative quiet that usually follows a supposed relational breakthrough is often short-lived before more turbulence resumes and the pattern starts over. Without clarity and removing the root issue of abuse, problems continue to spring up at full force like overgrown weeds after a rainstorm, so that a victim chronically cycles between the dangling carrot of hope and the slippery downward spiral of a trauma-induced black hole.
How, then, can a woman know if her husband’s profession of change is real or if it’s just another ploy to keep her trapped in the web of narcissistic abuse? Though not an all-encompassing picture, below are some ways you can identify true repentance.
Genuine
- being fully transparent without anger
- accepting the consequences for damaging actions
- willing to make amends for the damage caused
- ceasing to deny, excuse, or blame shift abusive behaviors and choices
- accepting the victim’s right to express anger
- having patience and not rushing a victim’s healing process
- making the victim’s heart the priority over their own desires
- initiating tangible steps to support a commitment to genuine change
- growing in true empathy and genuine love
- willingness to continually build trust
- developing character, integrity, and a growth mindset
- maintaining consistent and long-lasting change
Fake
- only willing to earn trust back when there is an audience
- only willing to earn trust back when they are getting something in return
- only willing to make amends if the victim will “forgive, forget, and move on”
- only joining a support group to “clock in time” with no real effort or implementation
- only attending therapy as a cover but with no real and lasting change
- unwilling to do whatever it takes to earn your trust
- unwilling to be fully truthful about the harmed they have caused
- unwilling to respect your boundaries or autonomy
- unwilling to change their entitled mindset
Discerning Genuine Change
Questions to Ask to Discern Real from False Repentance
- Has he developed true empathy towards you?
- Has he implemented practical measures for you to feel emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe with him?
- Does he have the ability and willingness to self-reflect?
- Does he understand the root of his sexual addiction and why he chose that as a crutch?
- Does he have a plan in place to ensure the root of his sexual addiction doesn’t return?
- Does he comprehend and fully admit how his abusive ways have hurt you?
- Has he shown consistent change over time without using that as leverage to get something in return?
- Is he patient with you as you heal?
- Does he guilt, manipulate, or force you into prematurely trusting him?
- Is he willing to be emotionally vulnerable with you?
- Is he trying to rush your healing process and tell you that you are taking too long to forgive?
Additional Questions to Help Discern False Repentance
- Does he get upset that you consider him abusive?
- Does he get upset if you challenge him?
- Does he say that he can only change if you change too?
- Does he blame you for his behavior, the situation, or his choices?
- Does he get upset if you don’t acknowledge how he’s changed?
- Does he get upset if you don’t automatically trust him?
- Does he say he’s changing, but you don’t feel it’s genuine?
- Does he say “You’re too sensitive,” or “You need to get past it.”
- Is he willing to give up his entitlement?
- Is he willing to give up his anger?
- Is he pressuring you to have sex without building trust or without emotional investment into your marriage?
- Is he using sex as a weapon of coercion and guilt or ignoring and withholding from you with no valid reason?
Someone needs to read this (Article at the bottom of page). I sure did. ♥️ Gods timing really is the best timing. Even when everything is falling apart around you, remember this piece of truth.
—this whole passage is beautiful and powerful.
- A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows,
- Is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families: He bringeth out those which are bound with chains: But the rebellious dwell in a dry land.
- O God, when thou wentest forth before thy people, When thou didst march through the wilderness; Selah:
- The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: Even Sinai itself was moved At the presence of God, the God of Israel.
- Thou, O God, didst send a plentiful rain, whereby thou didst confirm thine inheritance, When it was weary.”
Psalm 68:5-9 KJV
- My comment on the original post from Esther Company on Facebook.
This is very important information packed in here. I am highly impressed with the amount of examples given. I really love your ministry and I feel the young girls who need to read this before dating, won’t get a chance. Because it’s just not something ever shared, at least not in any Christian circles I grew up in.
Men and women a like can harbor these toxic mindsets that can be so malignant. I’m thankful I came across this article, thank you for sharing!
This resonated with me —
Excerpt “They would have to confront their toxic thoughts regarding women and undo the mindset that they are a possession to use and control for their own selfish gain. It would require them to confront their ingrained toxic mindsets, take responsibility, and stop viewing themselves as the victim of unfair treatment.”
— in my own healing journey and self reflection, I have been able to pin point root false beliefs in my own self and toxic thought patterns. Ultimately keeping myself in patterns that were destructive, so this here is powerful for healing too from just not knowing that what you believed was false and harmful to yourself. ♥️
Taking care of yourself spiritually and nourishing yourself, will bring you such healing. You will see things in a way that won’t make sense to people who only see your problems. Some people mean well and some don’t. Pray for discernment in your future and present relationships. Women & Men alike ♥️
Much love to all who just didn’t know and are healing. ♥️
Read The Article By Esther Company By Tapping Here
The pattern of two steps forward and ten steps back is seemingly endless as the relative quiet that usually follows a supposed relational breakthrough is often short-lived before more turbulence resumes and the pattern starts over. Without clarity and removing the root issue of abuse, problems continue to spring up at full force like overgrown weeds after a rainstorm, so that a victim chronically cycles between the dangling carrot of hope and the slippery downward spiral of a trauma-induced black hole.
How, then, can a woman know if her husband’s profession of change is real or if it’s just another ploy to keep her trapped in the web of narcissistic abuse? Though not an all-encompassing picture, below are some ways you can identify true repentance.
The Family Treat 
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