Reflecting on 2022

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Reflecting on 2022 for me is quite incredible and painful all at the same time. I feel like its a huge knot in my chest at the mere idea of it all being real and also elation to know that I no longer will be in the haze or mental confusion I was in. I will admit, I am still working through some things that have me a bit paralyzed mentally. However, I have and continue to give that to God and I know that God will bring clarity in His time. I am not rushing anything and I will continue to do what I am called to do until God sees it fit that I stop.

In 2022 things in my marriage escalated in a manner that was just unrealistic and still to this day I tend to doubt my own experiences. Its tough when you go through things that are just unexplainable and the reality is, no one, who’s not been through it, would really get it. Its one of those things, you’d have to of been there and even then… I do not wish that on anyone. So, I have changed my beliefs too on “need to know”. Its important that I talk out my experiences, but why. Healing. Without judgment of my feelings, without advice for my future. Just simply processing my experiences and accepting that this is what happened and not some feel good version my mind creates to protect me from the pain of the realness of my circumstances. I’m apart of quite a bit of groups that I joined I would like to say May 2022 on facebook. That changed my life as well, seeing these women, deal with situations so similar and so bleak, so harrowing, devastating and quite frankly unbelievable. I won’t sugar coat it, if I hadn’t had my experiences.. I too would have likely believed they were just embellishing for story sake. Yet here I was in my pajamas, curled up on my love seat in my living room at 3am on a tuesday night reading account after account of women describing the same behaviors I am dealing with in my own circumstances and just being blown away. Crying for them, my heart aching for the realization that these behaviors are not unique to my situation and that they exist in a vastness — that I became so engulfed in a reality check with God that my only resolve was to completely and wholly lean into Him. My reality was coming crashing down on me in a burst of “no one will believe me’s”… “How do I even begin to?” — “The kids” — “I’m a stay at home mom, how will we survive?” — God has calmed that turmentulous storm time and time again and I learned that God is a really Big Guy — He can handle my pain, He can handle my suffering, He can handle my hurt, my outbursts, my tantrums, my anger, my sadness, my disbelief, my denial, my thoughts, my worry. He can handle it. There is NO shame in crying out in brokenness to God in grace. Having grace for myself. Who I was, who I am and who I won’t ever be again… Who I thought I was going to be. Who I thought I was going to live life with. Who I believed. Who I trusted. Who won’t be going into this new year with me. Its a enormous loss of self, the self I thought I was, the person I thought they were. The grief that keeps coming in waves so strong that the last one was the biggest until the next engulfs me in a tsunami of epic proportions.

All I hear are people saying worry is a sin, when I say shaming yourself for feeling is a injustice to your ability to lean into God. We can’t shame ourselves into healing from the pain we feel. We can’t shame ourselves into a closer relationship with God. We can’t shame ourselves into silence. That is a form of pride that I had no idea I lived in. The pride of hiding my feelings, even from God for fear that it was a sin to even feel. I questioned for years what I was feeling, to be turned away for being out of Gods will for those feelings. My own experiences dismissed time and time again, to the point I myself dismissed them for simply being ridiculous.

April 2022, I was in a low place. My marriage, my relationship with my mom. The two people I trusted with everything and cared for, still care for, more than anyone else. Invested so much time and energy into these relationships. Praying that the fruit of my labor would be sweet. Not realizing that I was feeding an addiction to seeking their approval instead of Gods. They are not God. Yet they were. My god. Because if in their eyes I wasn’t good enough, then that must be how God saw me too. If in their eyes I was to blame for all the bad things they did to me, then that must be what God is doing to, punishing me for everything I’ve done wrong by allowing me to be mistreated and undermined by the very people who were suppose to be protecting me from such betrayal. — It wasn’t until I began listening to Natalie Hoffmans podcast Flyingfreenow.com that I was able to unravel some of my false beliefs and begin establishing my relationship with Jesus in a real way. I’m so thankful for Gods hand in my life and 2022 was the year of clarity for me.

God showed me who I could be or who I could continue being. I didn’t want to stay in a lifestyle that didn’t glorify Him. I didn’t want to remain in a stagnant life style that would dishonor God and my place in Gods story for me. I didn’t want to live a lie any longer. Using my freewill to ask God to take off the blinders I had been wearing for so long unknowingly, was the most painful and freeing thing I’d every experienced in my life. I am not healed completely and I feel God has let me know that its not something you just heal from, its a life long journey of healing in Him and I’m here for it. I want to heal and I want to be a blessing to other women who have felt alone and isolated. Women who thought that divorce was a sin or that having concerns being disregarded as “worrying is a sin”. When we all should be focusing our minds towards Jesus’s character. That is where we see the truth. When we are blinded to WHO Jesus is, we can and will be deceived.

Lets walk in truth together into the new year 2023. I welcome you and I pray Gods hand over our life as we continue in our healing journeys and bring the joy of the Lord to those around us who may be needing a gentle reminder that they too are not alone!

I am not Jesus, but I am Hannah. And I will do everything I can to be a light in the darkness for those who are still shrouded with the uncertainty that comes from being in a confusing relationship where it seems like there is no light to be found and God seems silent. God is here, God sees you, God loves you, God is love. And He did not create you in His image to be abused and misused and ignored. He is a BIG God, he can handle your pain, take your pain to God and reach out to me and check out my resource page here for some great starters on getting your mind untangled!

My goal from 2021 moving into 2022 was to be intentional. I believe God intentionally gave me clarity and strength to remove strongholds and be present with the truth, no matter how crushing, harrowing, debilitating and mind numbing it was. God gave me understanding that proved that I’d unknowingly harbored many false beliefs that were more apart of culture and not Christ-like. Moving into 2023 I want to grow in grace and listen to those around me with unbiased understanding. Guarding my heart and mind while remaining open and available to change and God working through me. I am excited for the future and what God has in store for my life. May we all find healing in Gods character through His clarity and understanding. ♥️

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